27 December 2007

A look back

Father: Sarah, are you home?
Sarah: Yeah? Yes, I'm home.
Ludo: Good-bye, Sarah.
Sir Didymus: And remember, Fair maiden, Should you need us...
Hoggle: Yes, should you need us... for any reason at all...
Sarah: I need you Hoggle.
Hoggle: You - you do?
Sarah: I don't know why, but every now and again... in my life, for no reason at all, I need you - all of you
Hoggle: Oh, you do? Well, why didn't you say so?!

*from Labyrinth*

I've been thinking about the impending New Year, and all the changes this past year has meant for me. The ups and the downs (ugh... how cliche), the ins and the outs (ugh... how dirty), and all the inbetweens.

I've had my heart broken, and then mended, and then held. Not to mention that bit of it that is sitting on my sleeve, and as much as I try to hide it, it always seems to show. And, really, I'm okay with that. While it is still on the mend, the healing process has been helped along by my caring friends, my amazing best friend, my wonderful family, and... well... someone who has a special place in my heart, like a friend, but just a bit more.

I've gone from Stay-at-home-mom, to working-mom, and back to stay-at-home-mom. I'll likely only be here for a minute, but its nice to be home again. It was also nice to be working again, even though the job wasn't quite the right fit. I'm looking forward to having some time off... just not too much.

I've gone from a big four-bedroom house, to occupying "The West Wing"... which consists of a converted garage, a bedroom (which belongs to The ShortBus), a bathroom, and shared kitchen. But, is also more freedom than I've had in years. I have a couple of cupboards, a shelf in the fridge, and my Kitchen Aid... what more could a girl want?

I've gone from wanting, and wishing, and hoping, and dreaming for more, to actually doing something about it... to going out and taking more out of life. To deciding on what I want, setting goals, realizing dreams, and making things happen for myself... no matter how crazy scary it was. I firmly believe, because of empirical research, that if you want more from life, you have to take it. If change is what you need, be a catalyst, make those changes happen.

When I started down this path, I had no idea if the changes would be good or bad. I knew that the whole process was scary, and that change would happen... for better or worse, change would happen.

Its not all happy, but, what stands out is good.
And, really, what more can I ask for?

I need you, I need you all. That is the biggest, and most important lesson I took away from 2007. That I can ask for help, and it doesn't make me any less of a person. That you, my friends, my family, you are the ones I need... more than anything else, you all mean the world to me. I thank you for being a part of my life, my change, my being. For being the ones I can ask for help, or a shoulder, an ear, or an unquestioned cuddle. And also, for inviting me to be a part of your life, and your changes. Mere words can not express how much you all mean to me, and how important your love and support has been over the last year (and, for some of you, even longer).

I can only hope, that in the future, I can somehow return the favor. Should you ever need me... for any reason at all... all you have to do is say so.

25 December 2007

A Very Giddy Christmas

"Good morning sweetie, happy Christmas!"
"Did Santa come?"
"Well, what do you think?" (gesturing to the pile of presents)
"OH WOW!" (scrutinizing said pile)
"Can you read me this book?" (which he carried into the room with him... not a new book, one that has been around forever)
"Of course, but...um... don't you want to open your presents?"
"Yes... after you read me this book."

He snuggled down into my lap, and I sat under the (tiny) tree, next to a pile of presents reading my adorable little ShortBus a story.

Today, that was his gift to me. To start out Christmas morning deciding to cuddle in my lap listening to a story before he opened his presents. That was seriously the best gift ever.

I always tease that he may look like his dad, but his personality is all me. And, usually I do it when he does things like... um, I dunno... shove 90% of a piece of cake in his mouth all at once. But, beyond all the sillyness, and the stubbornness, and independence, there is that sweet side that just wants a cuddle and a story. All the other stuff can wait... it'll be there... right now, we have time for the cuddle and the story, and that's what I need.

Happy Christmas to everyone... hope you get what you want, and what you need... but most of all, I hope you all get the unexpected happiness you deserve.

*photo is the tree & gifts at my parents house*

20 December 2007

So Cool!!

I know, I'm a goof, but there is the coolest picture of the ShortBus and I here: awesome Dickens Fair slide show!

tee-hee! so exciting!

18 December 2007


This was in my email this morning...

"Trying to maintain control in this life is a bit like trying to maintain control on a roller coaster. The ride has its own logic and is going to go its own way, regardless of how tightly you grip the bar. There is a thrill and a power in simply surrendering to the ride and fully feeling the ups and downs of it, letting the curves take you rather than fighting them. When you fight the ride, resisting what’s happening at every turn, your whole being becomes tense and anxiety is your close companion. When you go with the ride, accepting what you cannot control, freedom and joy will inevitably arise."

Yes, yes indeed. I've been working on this, and really, I feel like I'm kinda getting the hang of wearing my seatbelt, but not holding onto the bar too tight....its fun. Even though some things still stress me out, I've found that it makes my life so much easier to let go of the things I have no control over, and let the universe do what it will.

Of course, then there are the things I do have some control over... and, I am getting better about controlling those things. I am learning to make changes where I need to make changes, and let stress only happen when necessary. I'm working on it anyway.

Christmas Rant (...or not?)

What the hell?

By this time last year I had at least one rant about how much I hate x-mas. Good grief. I must be getting soft. My shopping is almost done, and I'm still okay with x-mas. I actually went out and bought a little tree today... its all decorated and festive-like

I'm a little worried... what will happen if I lose my bah-humbug-ed-ness?

I actually said "I love Christmas!" today... of course it was after getting a good laugh out of this article: Woman Gropes Santa. And, then this one (which I could barely read... just look at the photos): Santa hats on whales. I mean really, what other holiday has articles like this?

Yes, seven days before x-mas, and I haven't started ranting yet... must be a record of some sort.

Ps. No word on the job yet, but I had a dream last night that they offered it to me. I promise to let you all know when I hear something. At this point, I'm not going to even worry about work until I get back from The House of Mouse in mid-January.

12 December 2007

Another Interview

I was worried.

I thought maybe I had lost my mojo. I thought, "holy crap, I can't interview for an adult job for anything... I'm stuck."

Yet today, I walked into a Planned Parenthood office, and was spot on. They loved me, hell, I loved me. It was the best interview I've ever had for a job I actually REALLY want.

Once again, I have to thank my mom. To be able to tell them how passionate I am for the cause, to tell them how important I think the service they provide is, to tell them that since I was 15 years old I have appreciated Planned Parenthood.... to sit in an interview and tell them that my mom taught me from a very young age about how my body is my own, and I am the only one who gets to make decisions about it. Period.

To work in a job, and make a career out of something which aligns so closely with my own deeply held personal beliefs is a very exciting thought.

To, mid-interview, stop and have a vivid memory of the march in L.A., and what a huge impact it had on me as a person. Then to be able to tell the panel that was interviewing me a brief story about it, and how important my mom has been in helping me to develop my value system... even if I don't get the job (which, I'm pretty sure I will), the experience was wonderful.

If I get this job, I have mom to thank. I also hope that it makes her proud. Not that the job I do now doesn't, but this is different... she put a lot of effort into teaching me to value myself, and women in general, and now I finally do, and I want to give back ('pay it forward' as it were). I know it will be a job that I am proud to do.

I have a really good feeling about this, and all signs point to yes... which is really convenient considering I gave notice yesterday, I'm not going back to my current job after christmas, I just can't do it anymore.

I should know by the end of the month.

*Photo: I finally picked up my vanity plates for my car! Hooray!*

03 December 2007

Hey! That Hurts!

Upon waking this morning, my first thought was, "Shit. Back to reality."
(Then: "ow, ow, ow, why is that headache still there?!?")

It was a nice weekend, as my weekends usually are. I got to eat Sushi with CSB on Friday night, spend two days goofing around with Bruno at Dickens Fair, and wake up each morning safe and warm, feeling relaxed, comfortable, and happy.

But, as my work stress intensifies, I have gone from near constant back pain to a pretty intense headache (off and on today, a lovely combination of the two). I'm seriously ready to go see a doctor, have it diagnosed as stress, and go on disability (ha! wishful thinking).

I suppose what I really could use right now is a sense of stability and security. It really doesn't seem to exist in any facet in my life, and I feel like I'm scrambling for a foothold at the moment. The cliche which keeps occurring to me is that I kind of feel like the rug is being pulled out from under me. Not that it has been, but that someone is tugging on it, and everything is teetering. I am looking for something to grab onto, to help me feel a bit more anchored, but each time I grab on, this sense of insecurity and uncertainty wash over me. So, I continue to flail.

I knew this was where I was headed.
It was my choice.
When you plunge into the void of the unknown, definitely take a snorkel.
The waters can be deep and murky. But, luckily, there are little rays of sunshine that pierce the surface.

30 November 2007

The End

I don't know why... and I'm pretty sure its not just NaBloPoMo... but I am so glad November is over.

I am so tired... and I know December is going to be even more hectic.

Seriously, I may just put the job-hunting on hold until January.

Right now... I have too much stuff to do to be sitting here in front of the computer.

and BTW: WooHoo! I made it all the way through NaBloPoMo! Yay me!

29 November 2007

Run Forrest!

Busy busy busy!

Going to Dickens Fair this weekend... getting all my stuff together... running around like a maniac.

Good grief.
When the heck am I going to do my christmas shopping?

28 November 2007


I didn't sleep last night.
The stress of so many little things building up.
All I could do was lay there and think about so many things.

Funny, usually writing helps.
Not so much right now.
I can't even seem to get through one coherent thought before another partial thought pops up and derails me.

I know, it would help if I made a list, and focused on one thing at a time. But, so many of my thoughts seem so abstract. Every time I sit down to write, the concepts seem to disappear, and are replaced by random buzzing words... all of them racing through my head like so many bumper cars.

So many of the thoughts start out with, "what am I gonna do..."

And, they usually end with a big sigh, and an "I just don't know..."

I'm doing my best to relax and take a 'wait and see' approach... but it is so tough not to have any actual conclusions.

27 November 2007

Not Good-Bye...

...definitely a see-ya later.

I have to say, I feel really fortunate that I got to meet and work with The Vegan Co-Worker.

He was the one who trained me for my job. And, from day one, he was my partner in crime. Inappropriate jokes, less-than-theraputic conversations with clients, many moments that kept us both sane on the job.... not to mention all the times where we made a great team, and actually accomplished something good. The tons of times we worked together to keep a student from hurting themselves (or someone else), or talked someone out of doing something stupid, or maybe even (gasp) taught someone something useful.

I have learned tons from him (not just about vegan eating, bike riding, running, but other 'healthy' pursuits, and some music stuff too), and honestly, I don't know if I'll ever be able to express how much of a friend I feel I have in him.

Stupid frickin' ginger... what in the hell are we going to do without you?

Take good care of The Wife, and The Boy, and tell them I'll meet them when you all come back (even if you only return for a visit). I feel like I know them, though we've never met, and I think they are amazing (plus, I'm pretty sure The Wife & I combined would be a force to be reckoned with).

I wish you all only the best, and can't wait to hear stories & see tons of pictures from Canada.

26 November 2007


With cheeks like this how could they not at least be friends?!?

I'm just sayin'

Time keeps on tickin'

Seriously, when I realized yesterday that I was about tired of all this daily posting... I realized it was almost over. Yay! I've nearly made it through November!

Then... holy crap... November is almost over?

That means Christmas! That means Vegan co-worker is leaving! That means Cool Social Worker is leaving! OMG! I'm still looking for a new job... almost seven months later... wtf?

It means good stuff too... Glen is coming to visit, and I get to go to Disneyland soon (my x-mas present to myself). But still, what the hell? Where did the year go?

25 November 2007

I Want...

A variation on the "I Need..." Google game...

"Giddy wants plenty of attention"
"Giddy wants to be talking with friends"
"Giddy wants to know why"

...well, that was entertaining.

24 November 2007


An excerpt from my horoscope today (Aquarius):

"Allowing ourselves to see our existence as a series of lessons to be learned rather than a set of perfectly executed decisions changes the nature of our lives. Instead of being paralyzed by indecision, we begin to relish the new experiences that come out of our choices."

Honestly, I don't mind being indecisive on the weekends. I make so many important decisions at work every day, taking a break from making a choice (or coming up with choices for other people) is totally necessary. Though I occasionally wonder if my indecision is hindering my progress.

I am the type of person who enjoys progress and change. When things get stagnant, I get bored, and tend to move on. But, with all the change over the last year, I have learned to enjoy "bored." I have found myself, suddenly, able to sit and stare at the wall, and listen to the quiet, and totally appreciate it. I can listen to my own inner voices, and relax while they chatter away. This is new for me.

I have been told, more than once (in the last week, even), that I need to slow down and relax, everything will happen the way it is supposed to in its own time. So, I have decided to take that advice to heart, and allow things to happen around me. No effort, no stress, just allowing. I am letting the universe take control. I know there are going to be times where I am frustrated (even annoyed), with the slow progress of things. I just have to remind myself to "do what I can with what I have" at the moment... and let all the stress of having to 'make' something happen, just for the sake of progress.

23 November 2007

Kitchen Stuff & Things

Must borrow mom's wholesale license

Restaurant supply store good.
prices are amazing (and its open to the public).
but could be better which, actually, might be bad...
I'll buy more.

I can't wait to have my own kitchen again.
stock it with all new pretty things (and, some "old" pretty things).

The KitchenAid will be here this weekend.
welcome to your new home my friend.
lets make some cookies.

22 November 2007

Thankful for Unnecessary Anxiety

Over the last 8-10 months, I have felt more anxiety than I have in my whole life put together.

Security, safety, consistancy, money, beliefs, values... all of these things and more have been up in the air at some point; and tend to go in and out of the anxiety machine - like a big tumbling dryer, things go in, things come out, but always with the churning and turning and tumbling, over and over.

Today there was a chance that in the mid-day exchange of The ShortBus, my Ex-husband would meet CSB. Which honestly, doesn't worry me - I have mentioned CSB to The Ex, and my only concern ever was the random chance meeting at the grocery store or whatever, the awkwardness only there because it was out of the blue.

Honestly, I am looking forward to CSB meeting the Ex... allowing him to put a face with the name. But, I think on a somewhat level playing field, its only fair. To walk into the Ex-inlaws house is awkward enough, I really don't want to drag Him into the whole uncomfortable situation. I've made my bed, there is no reason anyone else should have to lie in it.

Overall, there was no reason for the anxiety (as usual), the exchange was slightly awkward:

Ex-Aunt-inlaw: "oh, you're taking [ShortBus]?"
my inside voice: "well DUH! I'm not here for dinner!"
my outside voice: "yep, have a wonderful thanksgiving, it was great to see you."

But, the rest of the day was lovely.

A quiet morning cooking, with CSB for company. The three of us spent the afternoon with my family, drinking, eating, laughing... the usual stuff. Short Bus fell asleep in the car on the way home, while the "adults" digested, and layed around watching TV all evening.

And, to think... its only Thursday.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

21 November 2007

"Its just not Thanksgiving until I get kicked in the nuts."

They say everyone has a story to tell...
Just start at the beginning, and when you get to the end, stop.
Wouldn't it be nice if it were always so simple?

Life has not been simple over the past few days.
But, let's just stick with today shall we?

Miss "Pay-attention-to-my-face" decided to play the 'strangle myself with my clothing' game this morning. Only today she decided she would be much more assaultive. After hearing The Vegan-Co-Worker get kicked in the nuts, Miss "Pay-attention-to-my-face" was down to her panties... we don't usually have to take those from her. All staff is out of the room, and except for The Vegan's nuts, we're all relatively unharmed.

By the next restraint, she's fully naked and I'm supposed to be holding her legs. Keeping in mind that she's about 5'3" and 300 pounds, this is NOT a pleasant place to be, her legs are short, and she doesn't clean well when she showers. So, yes, I'm slightly hesitant, and for my own mental health, averting my eyes. I slip, get kicked in the jaw... lovely. At some point she kicks me in the back of the elbow too. No, they don't bend that way.

I spend the rest of the day in the kitchen helping to prepare a Thanksgiving meal for the kids (and really, I commandeered a few of the vegan dishes, just to be sure they were done right... how was the stuffing anyway, Vegan-Co-Worker?). Not such bad deal, I don't mind being in the kitchen, but, because I'm in the kitchen I get a bit bawdy (thank you Ren. Faire). It'll be a miracle if I don't get sued for sexual harassment.

We all sit down to eat, and some smarty-pants decides to go around the room, each person saying what they're thankful for. Some of the kids (and actually a couple of the staff) manage to turn it into 'I'm thankful for me because I'm better than you a-holes.' But, somehow I begin to get emotional, thinking about these kids, many of them going home tomorrow and spending anywhere from a few hours, to a few days with their families. A few of the unfortunates, spending Thanksgiving day in a group home.

I get a bit bleary-eyed through the thing, but manage to keep it to myself until that stupid Vegan started talking. I've known for quite a while now that he's leaving, moving to Canada (and not just Canada, but the Way-Far-Away side of Canada... butthole), and he got a little choked up talking about what he was thankful for, and I was basically ruined. Dang. I'm going to miss that guy.

This story ends with my quick stop into Safeway this afternoon to pick up a few things for tomorrow. I get to the register, and this "kid" comes over to bag my groceries. He looks familiar, and it only takes me a couple of seconds to place him. He's one of my old students. I remember when we were working on getting him the job, about 4 years ago. Because of client confidentiality, I can't say anything to him unless he chooses to acknowledge me, and even then I have to be very careful about what I say. But, as I watch him, I realize he doesn't recognize me (which is fine, if I were in his shoes, I'd try to forget me too).

I should probably save this for another blog, and maybe I'll expand on it in a few days, but it really made me happy to see this kid still there and working. A lot of my "clients" walk a fine line between being able to function in society, and spending a lifetime in and out of jail (or an institution, depending on the kid). Most times, I don't ever see how their stories end. Every once in a while, the universe throws me a tidbit, and I suppose that has to be enough.

Monday morning when I wake up, I will think of Safeway Kid (versus, the one who got shot recently, or the one who made it home only to end up in an institution in less than a week), and I will think of the one I heard about a few months ago who actually graduated from high school, and wants to go to college. I will gnaw on these tidbits, and anxiously wait for the next... because it is these very few starfish which I have been working so hard for.

What am I thankful for?
I am thankful for the needle in the haystack.
I am thankful for the diamond in the rough.
I am thankful for the simple things in life.
I am thankful for the few and far between reminders that I am being kicked in the face for a damn good reason.

**The title quote came from The Vegan-Co-Worker, directly after being kicked. My response was, "dude, that is totally the title of today's blog."**

20 November 2007

That grass... it's always greener

In the summer of 2005, I had Lasik eye surgery to correct an astigmatism which had been plaguing me since I was about 15 years old. While I was pregnant, my eyes got worse, and then I had an infant, and waking up "blind" 347 times a night just wasn't cutting it. So, I decided to take the risk,and have the surgery.

I honestly have no complaints or regrets, in fact, it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. My eyes were B-A-D and I honestly love having the ability to see clearly. In fact, I still wake up some days amazed at the fact I can actually see the clock directly in front of my face.... after the surgery, I cried every day for a week straight when I woke up in the morning, opened my eyes, and could see. It was like a miracle (miracle of science... but, hey, a miracle is a miracle).

It won't be long until I will most likely need reading glasses. From the time of surgery, I figured I had a good 20-ish years (give or take five), before I would need glasses to see a menu, or read myself to sleep at night. And, at the time, when I was writing a check for the surgery (to the tune of $1500 an eye) those 20 years mattered.

Though I don't miss having to take out contact lenses before going to bed (especially at faire), and I don't miss having to be sure my glasses were at hand as I fell asleep, or getting up to care for my kid in the middle of the night and forgetting to grab them because I was half asleep, I do miss the fashion statement they made.

I know... I am not really what people think of when they think 'fashionista.' I'm pretty sure, when "Project Runway" comes on, my friends don't think "Giddy." But, I have always had my own odd personal fashion sense. There are times when I am sitting down to write, when I miss having my glasses... just because even with all the annoyance of being "blind," I really enjoyed the look.

Gah... am I really so vein?

Is it strange that I'm considering going out and buying a pair of glasses just for the look? Is it odd that I miss them so much?

I feel like it seems strange... but I wore them for fifteen years... maybe its normal to feel strange to NOT wear them.

Ps. Yes, I love Tina Fey... would she be as funny without the glasses?

19 November 2007

oh man...

can't post... too tired... lotsa brain stuff...
giddy sleep now.
write more tomorrow.

18 November 2007

Better than good.

What can I say?

The weekend was good.
No, better than good.

I needed that.
good grief, I so totally needed that.

17 November 2007

Grand gestures and the little things.

Coming down the trail, we hit a particularly difficult to navigate portion, and I notice him glace back to be sure I'm making it down okay... a hand at the ready - should I need it. I realize the path he chooses isn't difficult, or treacherous in any way. That may just be who he is, or it may be for my benefit. Either way, I notice, and I appreciate all the possible explanations behind the action.

I remember hiking with my dad when I was a kid. He would always be in the lead, choosing the safest path, "walk in my steps, and you'll always be safe."

Some of my clearest memories are of crossing creeks or streams, he would always choose a path that was easy to follow. I remember feeling secure when he would look back to be sure I was still there, making my way in his footsteps, keeping up in my own 'tough yet girly' tomboy-ish way.

For years, I watched my ex-husband walking ahead of me; choosing a difficult path for himself, leaving me in his wake to find my own way. I would watch him become smaller as he crashed and smashed his way through the brush, and splashed his way through the water... and I lagged behind, learning how to make my own way and keep myself dry, warm, and safe. It didn't matter how many times I reminded him I was there, or asked him to slow down, he did his own thing, and I did mine.

Today, I strike a balance between needing/wanting/accepting help, and doing it on my own. I'm not trying to prove anything. I don't let my pride get in the way of asking for help, and I don't let my 'girly' side ask for too much help. I am me. I take the hand when I need it (or when it would make life just a little easier), and do it on my own either when I need to do it myself, or when the help isn't necessary.

This afternoon, I realized the weight carried in the smallest gesture. The things you never even realize you are doing, can speak volumes to the someone who is aware of them. Sometimes, just being who you are naturally is enough to touch another person's heart. You may never understand what it is that other person sees in you, why they care so much about you, what it is that makes them want to spend more time with you.

Most times, there is a reason it is so hard for the person you are questioning to explain those "Whys." That reason has to do with the thousands of little gestures, looks, thoughts, and expressions which exist for the briefest second, then get lost in the next moment.

I know I've said it already, but sometimes (even for a "writer") words can never be enough to express certain feelings and thoughts. So, I stick with 'thank you.' It is always a thank you for all those little gestures you aren't even aware of... if I could explain it, I would. If I had all the flowery words and romantic gestures (without getting embarrassed and making myself giggle uncontrollably), I would use them. But, I suppose you'll just have to settle for me, and whatever little things I offer to you, without even knowing I am offering them.

Happy Birthday.

16 November 2007

Out of touch

Yep, about an hour and a half into the drive I lost cell service...

incommunicado until Sunday afternoon.


15 November 2007


By this time tomorrow I will be fully naked... either in front of a fire, or in a spa (maybe a combination of the two), with the ocean roaring outside the window, and a glass of champagne in my hand. At least that's the plan.

Yes, I've been missing the pacific northwest...the beach and the trees... and this weekend provided the perfect opportunity.

CSB's birthday will be celebrated in style... and as much as this weekend is for him, its for me too. I need a weekend away... spending time listening to what the ocean has to say to me, watching the picture it is painting for me, taking in the coast with all my senses. Letting my soul relax, and take in the peace that it so desperately needs.

I know that he needs the break too.

This will be an excellent weekend.
Here is to wishing you all a wonderful weekend.

14 November 2007

At least the suit was good

(her)"Can you define Developmental Disability?"
(my inside voice) "lalalalalala... oooooh shiny...wait, what? FOCUS!"
(my outside voice) "wow, that's kind of general... can YOU?"
(her, with attitude) "actually, I can, but I'm not the one being interviewed."
(my inside voice) "oh crap, what just happened?"
(my outside voice) *nervous laughter* "I'm sorry, I was kidding... yes, yes I can. I'm sure of it."

So, I was ambushed. I was expecting a "normal" interview... I had a panel interview. Each person with a list of questions longer than a baby's arm. Each question VERY job specific... seriously, I had easier exams in college.

Over all, I think I did OK. Yes, just OK. I think I have a 60/40 chance of getting the job.

I really want this job, which is why I was so dang nervous. And, I am fully frustrated that I can go for an interview for a job I don't want, and they offer it to me on the spot. But, something I really want... I end up murdering the funny, and just hoping that isn't what the interviewer remembers about me.

13 November 2007

Caviar Dreams

Interview tomorrow.
Big Deal.
Really want the job.
Actually went and bought a suit (first one I've ever owned... is pretty).

If this happens, shoe porn will return.
If this happens, I can wear pretty shoes to work.
And skirts.

Giddy want morebetterfasternow.

Send good mojo.


12 November 2007

See This?

...It's a smile.

Smiling means I'm happy.
Smiling at you means you make me happy.

Any more questions?

11 November 2007


Funny, I have had two dreams about the same person in the last week... but the dreams have presented him in two completely different lights. In fact, the words he used in the dreams were exact opposites. I woke up thinking it was odd, and all day, both dreams bounced around in my head.

Think I'm confused?

Think its time for me to ask for a bit of clarification?

As much as my subconscious seems to want to know, my waking mind seems to be happier playing a passive role, and just accepting everything at face value. I'm trying not to over-think things, but obviously part of me is looking at both sides of the coin, and evaluating different possibilities.

10 November 2007


a little relaxing, a little Dickens pre-faire, a lot of happy.

my back is feeling better, and I finally got a good night's sleep... even though I dreamt of work. Still, better to dream of work and wake up safe and warm and not required to go anywhere, versus not dream of it, and wake up having to go.

thank goodness for three day weekends.

09 November 2007


I'm so flippin' happy its finally Friday.

Hope everyone has a great weekend...

08 November 2007

I don't want to talk about it.

The Gay Pride Multi-Penis Turkey:

Drugs are bad:

(it says: I can say no buc when someone tol me to do drugs and stuff drugs can deamages you barain salle and stuff bue con killed you self and stuff.)

Written by a 15 year old...
...couldn't have said it better myself.

07 November 2007

It's MY bellybutton, and I'll do what I want with it!

I have been thinking off and on all day about what I was going to post tonight. I'm not sure how many work posts I want to do in a week (even though this week has been out of control). But then... during a staff meeting, we're discussing a client, and the social worker says, "oh man, I really never thought I'd have a job where I said the word vagina so often."

And I thought... hm... that might make a good blog.

Then, she says, "I refuse to give her too much attention for that behavior, I just say to her,'okay, you'll take it out when you want, it's your vagina' and walk away."

And that... that was the best laugh I had all day.

I may get frustrated with the students. I definitely get frustrated with the 'administration.' It is absolutely a high-stress job. But, it's moments like these, and the gay multi-penis turkey (should I even tell that story? maybe I'll just get a picture and make that tomorrow's blog) that make me realize I can never have a 'normal' job... ya know, one where I can't say "vagina" in a public setting on a regular basis.

06 November 2007

The Screaming of the Goats

Honestly, I really wanted to call this blog "The Silence of the Lambs"... but today was not about silence.. nor was it about gentle lambs... it was all about blood, guts, gore, and general ick.

I really didn't feel quite right when I got up this morning, just a sense of impending doom, and general unease. But, I figured I had eaten too much sushi last night, and pressed on. By the time I got to work, I was feeling a bit dizzy, and my sense of dread had increased... I figured I was just being melodramatic (what? Giddy, melodramatic? ha!).

When I opened my car door I heard an inhuman sound... a sort of bizarre screaming which I knew was bad, but couldn't place. I looked around, the sound making me sick to my stomach, when my eyes settled on the goat farm across the street. Three goats in battle... one obviously losing... in a big way. Essentially being eviscerated by the other two... I saw blood and gore... I heard agony.

So, quite upset, I run inside. I am nearly immediately descended upon by three "clients," who want to tell me about "last night." And, they do... great, so last night was chaos... lovely. Then another 'client' starts freaking out over nothing. She tries to run off-site three times before we get her inside and, what appears to be, calming down.

Yet, she's not calming down. The end result is a suicide attempt, then the girl swallowing the piece of glass she was trying to cut her wrists with. So of course, for the rest of the morning, we're dealing with paramedics, and sheriffs.

(oh... and here is where you thank me for leaving out many of the most disgusting details of this kid's behavior).

Things only got slightly better. Because, when one kid freaks out, it stresses them all.

My first instinct after seeing the goats was to come home and hide in my closet for the rest of the day... I think I really should listen to my intuition from now on.

Beer me. I'm done.

05 November 2007

My First Halloween

As I sat in a chair in the front room, I could hear the neighborhood kids screaming around the streets. Shouts of "trick-or-treat", "hey guys, wait for me", shrieks of joy, and the appropriate screams of terror, were floating in through the window. The smiles on the kids faces, the fun of showing up at a random stranger's house and getting a piece of candy... it's all so very endearing, and nostalgic.

The other side of it was that it all made me generally sad. The ShortBus was with his dad for Halloween, and though I knew he was having tons of fun running around with his neighborhood 'gang' (four of them... all between two and 4 years old.. yes, they are bad-ass), I couldn't help welling up a tear at the three-ish old Robin Hood that rang the bell. I was really sad that I wasn't spending the evening with my boy.

I knew I was going to miss him.

It was a tough night, but because the interwebs were broken at my house, and I was on candy duty, I did plenty of writing. And, I suppose that was the silver lining.

*picture from halloween 2005*

04 November 2007

Falling Back

I have been looking forward to the time change for a couple of weeks now. And, even though The ShortBus was in my bed at 6am, it is going to be so nice to drive to work AFTER sunrise.

03 November 2007


Tapirs having sex...
Lemurs enjoying a 69...

Luckily, The ShortBus is only three and had NO IDEA about what was going on, and didn't bother to ask me about it.

*Flash back to several years ago when I took my niece to the zoo, with a friend of mine and her daughter (both girls were about 9 years old), and the monkeys were having sex. My niece asked what was going on, and as I stumbled and fumbled ("well, when a mommy and a daddy monkey love each other very much..."), my friend's daughter interrupted me to explain in explicit language exactly what was happening. I spent the rest of the day embarassed, and wondering if her mom would leave bruises when she kicked my ass. I literally planned to just stand there and take the beating.*

The best comment of the day had to be when we saw the monkeys cleaning one another, and CSB leans over and starts grooming the ShortBus's hair, after about 30 seconds of nit-picking (*snicker*) ShortBus says, "Mommy......are you sure about this?"

After the laughter subsided, I said, "meh, I'm never really sure about anything, but this seems to work."

Yes, it was a good day. The Funny© visited us several times throughout, The Happy© and The Smiling© also spent quite a bit of time with us, and although exhausted, I'm home with a glass of wine, and all smiles.

Life is good.

Happy Saturday!

Yay! ShortBus and I are going to the SF zoo today (& CSB may be joining us)!

I'm really looking forward to it, and he's pretty excited too.

I'll post pictures and stories later!

02 November 2007

I Want...

...and I want and I want...

Sometimes I wonder about myself.
At times my desire for fun, relaxation, peace, lust, laughter, enjoyment (etc..), is insatiable.

I know the saying is 'all things in moderation,' and I really do try.
But, really... where's the fun in that?

01 November 2007

Many Hats

On my way home from work today, I realized I did not actually perform my specific job title at all... I am an "instructional assistant." I did do a bit of instructing today (stop that, don't provoke her, can you not threaten me, etc...), and I did do some assisting today (can I help you find something, can I just do that for you, can I help you find some way to walk away from me so that you'll stop spitting on me, etc...).

What I did do today:

Lunch Lady
Pastry Chef
Sous Chef
Jail Warden (more of a feeling than an actual job duty)
Mental Health Counselor
Tech Support
Telephone Operator
Office Assistant
Copy Editor
Master of "Walkie-Talkie Pong" (ok, that was yesterday, but too funny not to include)

Not to mention, Mommy, ex-wife, best friend, daughter, girlfriend (um...-ish??) (and no, I'm not complaing about any of these, just saying, they are more hats I've put on today).

...and there is always; chamber maid, kitchen cleaning crew, laundry steward, accountant, waitress, personal dressing coach (ShortBus needs someone to dress him), professional tucker-inner, and story teller (one of my personal favorites).

Seriously... can I put all this stuff on my resume?

I don't mind wearing a lot of these hats. Dare I say I even like it, for the most part? Even though I am not paid anywhere near what I'm worth, I do the best I can (and, sometimes I don't feel like my best is enough)regardless of the pay.

Sometimes I wonder just how much time I should take on a weekly basis to remove the hat(s) and just be. I think this past weekend (especially Sunday) was the first time in at least two months, I actually took off all the hats, and just existed. It was nice, but made it really difficult to come back to the multi-hat world of Monday morning.

29 October 2007

Enjoy having your salad tossed?

Yes, now there is a place you can go to have your salad tossed in public...

I think I want a part-time job there... just so when people ask me what I do for a living I can say, "I'm a professional salad tosser."

... so I can answer the phones, "how may I toss your salad today?"
... so I can say, "welcome, may I toss your salad?"
... "I know your type... you like having your salad tossed."

and there's... "Welcome back! Would you like your salad tossed the same as usual, or would you like to be a bit more adventurous and try a different way?"

At a place like this, do you charge extra for the 'happy ending?' or just fifty-cents for 'extra sauce?'

Yep, I could go on and on... but no, I would rather read your bad puns...
GO for Teh Punny!!!
Come on people, let's hear it...

ps. if you get the joke, you get it... if you don't, don't ask, just let it go... or go to: urban dictionary and find out for yourself if you must (don't say I didn't warn you).

27 October 2007

NaBloPoMo '07

It worked for me last year... might as well do it again!

I really feel like I need to be writing more (and thus posting more). I've missed the Interwebs, and I think making a commitment to NaBloPoMo is a great way for me to get back into it.


26 October 2007


So, I'm sitting outside with a glass of wine, after a bitch of a week, and I'm thinking about relationships (in the romantic sense). Past and present. Mine and others. And, it occurs to me that although I'm perfectly willing to accept part of the responsibility for my marriage not working, I've never really sat down and thought specifically about what parts of the not working I'm actually responsible for. What things did I do, or not do, what is MY part of the lesson? What is it that I need to be accountable for, that I need to learn?

So, now I'm thinking...

The first thing which occurred to me was communication. I am definitely guilty of poor communication. This is actually something I've known about myself for a long time, and have been trying to work on for years. In the last several months, I've learned how to communicate my thoughts more clearly, although I still have trouble asking for help, and asking for what I need from people.

Next, I think I need to work on passive aggressive reactions. I was chatting with The Muse earlier tonight, and recognized that what I was identifying in someone else as passive aggressive behavior, was very similar to reactions I've had in the past. And, I know I've gotten better at expressing my feelings, but I also know I still tend to let things that bother me go by without commenting. Then, later, I find myself making snide passive-aggressive comments, without actually addressing the issue at hand. I would like to be able to say I haven't done this with anyone but 'the ex', but, I've found I still tend to do it, only much more subtly.

There are too many times I don't think I have a right to whatever feeling or emotion I'm having, so I don't say anything. I think maybe I'm over reacting, or confused about my emotions, or that I ought to "think about it before I react" so I keep quiet. By the time I've figured out how I feel, my chance to comment has passed, and I feel like its too late, so I don't share my feelings. Maybe this is just another communication problem after all. Again, its something I've been working on for a long time, and although I've gotten better, I still have issues.

I can't help but feel like there's more to all of this. I'm going to have to continue to think about it.

23 October 2007

Its a fact.

Ok... so the rules of the game are that you have to say 2 truths and 1 lie. Each person has to guess which one is the lie. See how well you know your friends...... Good luck!

1. I was given my nickname at faire... as a joke, but now it actually fits.
2. I have never been naked in public... in fact, aside from childhood, only 4 people have seen me fully naked.
3. I can put both my ankles behind my neck... at the same time.

Which one is the lie??

21 October 2007

Mental Illness: not just for breakfast anymore.

There is only one way to describe my work... by letting you experience just a little taste of it.

These quotes have been compiled over the last month or so.

"These crackers taste like tea bag!"
"Marge get off the phone!" (there is no one named Marge anywhere at our facility)
"Pets are smart people!" (this was actually said by one of the teachers)
"NO! Scottish IS Jewish. I swear!"
"You are dumb! D-U-M spells dumb, and that's you!"
"Pay attention to my face!!"
"How do you spell Orangutan..wait! I mean potato?"
"Whoever smelt it dealt it." (ah, the classics never die)
"They did good, it matches your face" (in reference to a co-workers fixed teeth)
"Elton John?! He's not gay, he's a good singer!"
"GAH! Leave me alone!!!!" (after asking her what she wanted for breakfast)
"The voices in your head, are SO NOT a 6th sense." (yeah, that one was me)

and, my favorite conversation from last week:
Student: "I wish I were allergic to metal."
Me: "oh? uhm...I know I'm going to regret asking this, but why?"
Student: "So I could stay away from people."

Oh, and I should mention that one day last week, The ShortBus let me know that his "blue mustache has blue on it." I'm not entirely sure where that came from, but he just wanted to be sure I knew. And now, we all know.

17 October 2007

Save the Boob

The Breast Cancer Site

This year, one of my biggest joys was being able to help raise $300 at Tips for Titties.

One weekend a faire, one of the ale stands donates all their night tips to help fight breast cancer. This year, it also happened to be the same night as the Morris Enterprises Scavenger Hunt. So, on the list for the hunt, I made one of the items, "make a tips for titties donation and collect a pink ribbon."

I expected $50 at the most.
We ended up donating $300. One-third of their total donations for the night.

You guys blow me away. I am so impressed.
Yay for boobies!

09 October 2007

Memories to Keep & Lessons Learned:

  • Geisha dresses & Bukake jokes (its not an invitation, just a comment).

  • Laughing so hard I cried (and death by corset, beer, & Nanning is NOT the way to go).

  • No matter what it looks like, that wall is NOT solid.

  • A great Waltz (apparently ballroom dancing Bruno style IS a full-contact sport).

  • Sometimes a compliment is just a compliment (and when it is, its really nice).

  • "my god its full of stars..." is even funnier as a text msg. at 2:48 am; add naked and freezing to that, and you've found The Funny.

  • Missing the cymbal and kicking the counter.... yeah, it hurts.... much more than I let on.

  • I'm not the only one who needs a Math Helmet, but I AM the only one who has one.

  • Mimostleys are the best breakfast food ever, and everyone makes them slightly differently.

  • One can learn great lessons about oneself from having "the pox."

  • Seeing amazing photos in a 'special sneak preview' is awesome! Hooray for being a part of the "inner circle."

  • Hearing Glen's name more times than when he was actually HERE makes me snicker.

  • Not only is being introduced by the wrong name slightly awkward, but it hurts a little too.

  • $80 can be a bigger insult than being accidentally introduced by the wrong name.

  • A great conversation with someone I hardly know, but have always had some kind of odd connection with... I swear we've been great friends forever, we just never knew it.

  • Sex sells... even when it's on Garlic Bread.

  • Incest jokes really ARE funny.

  • I love being considered 'special' even if it IS in a short bus/helmet kind of way.
Next weekend.... we disco.

06 October 2007

Happy Birthday Mom

Stolen from an email:

Someday when my child is old enough to understand the logic that motivates a parent, I will tell him, as my Mean Mom told me:

I loved you enough to ask where you were going, with whom, and what time you would be home.

I loved you enough to be silent and let you discover that your new best friend was a creep.
I loved you enough to stand over you for two hours while you cleaned your room, a job that should have taken 15 minutes.
I loved you enough to let you see anger, disappointment, and tears in my eyes.
Children must learn that their parents aren't perfect.
I loved you enough to let you assume the responsibility for your actions even when the penalties were so harsh they almost broke my heart.
But most of all, I loved you enough . . . to say NO when I knew you would hate me for it.
Those were the most difficult battles of all.
I'm glad I won them, because in the end you won, too.

I had the meanest mother in the whole world!
While other kids ate candy for breakfast, we had to have cereal, eggs, and toast.
When others had a Pepsi and a Twinkie for lunch, we had to eat sandwiches.
My mother fixed us a dinner that was different from what other kids had, too.

Mother insisted on knowing where I was at all times.
You'd think I was a convict in a prison.
She had to know who my friends were, and what I was doing with them.
She insisted that if I said I would be gone for an hour, I would be gone for an hour or less.

I was ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve to break the Child Labor Laws by making me work .
I had to wash the dishes, make the beds, learn to cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry, empty the trash, and all sorts of cruel jobs.
I think she would lay awake at night thinking of more things for me to do.

She always insisted on my telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
By the time I was a teenager, she could read my mind and had eyes in the back of her head.
Then, life was really tough!

Mother wouldn't let my friends just honk the horn when they drove up.
They had to come up to the door so she could meet them.
While everyone else could date when they were 12 or 13, I had to wait until I was 16.

Because of my mother I missed out on lots of things other kids experienced.
I have never been caught shoplifting, vandalizing other's property or ever arrested for any crime.
It was all her fault.
Now that I have left home, I am an educated, honest adult.
I am doing my best to be a mean parent just like Mom was.

I just want to add... not only was my mom "mean", but she taught me how to be strong, have faith in myself, be a proud feminist, and to love all people equally.

And, she is one of my best friends. I appreciate everything she is, and everything she has done to help make me the woman I am today. I can only hope I'm half the mom to The Short Bus, that she is and has been to me.

Thanks mom. Happy birthday.

01 October 2007

The Joy

Many times, in my world, it seems that when life is working well for me, it is not working well for most of my friends... and vice versa. The best part of being me is having the ability to make others laugh, I love to see people happy, and this weekend... I noticed a lot of happy.

The last 5 days have been amazing.

I have noticed more joy and happiness in my friends, than I have in years. To the point where I sat down Sunday night and cried and thanked the universe (or whatever there is to thank) for all good things coming together at once... and all of us being able to appreciate joy at the same time. Almost everyone was SO happy, and it was so nice to see for once.

There are psychological principles which discuss the way our brains process events, and that we are more likely to retain the traumatic events in our lives than the good events. The day I learned about this, I began to attempt to retrain my brain to retain the good. Yes, I will remember the bad things, but I have always had a terrible memory, and I figured if I'm only going to remember a few things, I'd much rather it be the good stuff.

From this weekend, I managed to retain all the good... and actually ended up with a few pictures to keep those memories forever (thanks to Glen and others, I didn't bother to get out MY camera).

Glen being knighted.
Visits from Millie, Portia, Bill, Angus, Eric... and others (at the booth while I was working - shh... don't tell Patrick).

Meeting Gar, SaintOn, Beth and so many other people. (you are all so amazing! How'd I get so lucky?)

Having the ability to chat with Kurt and Danielle... again. (love you guys)

Curling up, warm, and safe next to an amazing Italian, who seems to tolerate a drunk snoring Giddy really well. (yay for earplugs!)

Being French... and part of the Sunday Polka-dot Panty Brigade with Jessica & Anita. Stripes next weekend oui?

Bloody Sunday... Thanks George (and no, bloody Sunday has nothing to do with polka-dot panties, don't be gross!)

Girl's Ale... "I can't finish this, lets give it to Giddy." (a quote I overheard a couple of times... thanks for that & yay me!)

The scavenger hunt, and actually raising REAL donations for boobies. We all love them, I just didn't realize, if I put it on the list, you guys would actually make serious donations. Thank you so much. I love my family. And, I love being able to say that as silly as we are, when something matters, we totally can make a difference. You guys have no idea how much you all mean to me.

Its funny, I thought last year was the best faire ever... I wasn't sure how it could be topped. This year has just blown it out of the water. I'm looking forward to two more weekends of general happiness and random joy... readygo.

21 September 2007

Can I just say...

Best life ever!

I think of things every day that I want to Blog about... but I'm so busy, by the time I sit down in front of the computer, I'm too tired to write. I actually called in "DONE" (ding, Giddy's done) to work today... yep, done.

"I won't be in today, I'm done working this week."

"oh, I'm sorry are you sick? "

"well, I don't feel great... I'm going back to sleep."

"ok, hope you feel better..."

For anyone who doesn't know, I just want to say that my life right now, in this very moment, is wonderful and amazing. I couldn't have planned it so well.

Work is tough (both physically and emotionally demanding right now), but I really enjoy the people I work with (staff and clients alike), and overall, I really love my job.

Faire has been amazing. Two weekends into it, and I am literally having the time of my life. I have so many wonderful, loving, supportive, hilarious, amazing friends, words can not express how much I love you all. This year, for the first time ever, I have no stress regarding faire, just a simple love of life. I have the ability to enjoy a freedom I've never known, and to do it with warm, caring, laughing eyes watching without questioning my motives. I have been taking the time to stop and smell the roses, and appreciate every single moment for exactly what it is.

21 July 2007

Shoes & Passes

The Short Bus was just standing next to me while I devoured the last Harry Potter book... when I realized he was grunting, and generally making some odd noises.

By the time I looked over, he was just pulling off his pants... over his shoes. Thus, standing there in shoes and a t-shirt... in perfect Archery form.

I think its time for me to make him some passes... because we all know the rules... shoes and passes... that's really all you need. Though... I might just give him a glow stick for the photograph.... ya know, its only right.

20 July 2007

Homeward Bound

Most people are fully aware that my best friend (of 20 years!) has been working on a cruise ship for about a year now. Not having her here during this time of my life has been really difficult, we went from talking daily, to weekly... if we were lucky. She has enjoyed the experience, but being away from family and friends has also been difficult for her.

Yesterday, she called while I was at work. I usually don't answer my phone while on the job, but I just had a feeling, and conveniently, I was in a position where I could answer. It was the greatest call ever. She's coming home on Monday!! Yaaaaaaaaaay! This is an amazing surprise, she wasn't due back until the end of September, and had even mentioned extending her contract until early December.

This officially marks the second time in two days that my co-workers (and the students) have seen me jump up and down screaming (yeah, try doing that while your driving a van in Friday afternoon rush-hour traffic)!

I'm so excited!!
I definitely have some wine shopping to do!

Six Flags Day

Today was the last day of "summer school." The classroom staff decided we would like to do something fun to reward the kids for an excellent school year.... and of course, since Vallejo is so close, we decided on a trip to Six Flags Discovery Kingdom.

At first glance, and after the first phone call, we realized that it was just going to be too expensive. We couldn't afford to take 10 kids and 5 staff to a theme park... the money just wasn't in the budget. I figured there must be *something* I could do... so I told them to give me some time, let me see what I could do.

Of course, I called Glen.

He worked his magic, and managed to somehow acquire 18 complementary tickets from the corporate office for our school. It was amazing. I still can't believe he managed to do it.

We decided not to tell the kids, and just load them up in the vans, and take them. Each staff member told the kids something different... "I thought we were going to..." the library, Jelly Belly factory, park, wal*mart.... yes, we have to have our fun too.

I got to drive the "girls" van. Each time we passed an exit a kid would yell, "you just missed the exit... where are we going?! Are you lost?!" When we got near the park, one of the girls started talking about how she "REALLY needed to use the bathroom... REEEEEALLY!" So, we conveniently turned that into... "well, Six Flags is right here... maybe they'll let you use the bathroom. Yeah... the rest of you guys are going to need to wait in the car while we go in." I'm still shocked that they bought it.

Finally, parked in the lot, we still couldn't get two of them out of the van, "I don't want to go in to watch her pee! Can't I just wait here!?"

"Well, I dunno... I suppose you could wait here... but wouldn't you rather ride some roller coasters?"

"Roller coasters?"

"Yes, would you like to go to Six Flags today?"


"Ok. If you share your candy with me, we can go to Six Flags."

Obviously, they shared their candy.
It was so much fun to watch the realization dawn on them... the teachers had been screwing with them... for heaven knows how long.

The kids had a great day. They rode the rides screaming, and the smiles all around really made me so happy to be able to do my job.

I really wanted to go into more specifics about the day, but I'm so very tired, and all I want to do is shower to wash off the sweat and sunblock.
Thank you Glen.
Thank you Six Flags.
From all of us, Thank You.

10 July 2007

Days Like These

My job is such that if one doesn't laugh, they will most definitely cry. With the insane amount of frustration and stress, it is absolutely imperative to find the funny, and squeeze every last drop out of it.

Some days... the funny finds you...

Student: "Why do you always dress like that?"
Me: "Like what?"
Student: "You always wear black."
Me (mildly uninterested): "Oh... yeah... guess its just my style..."
Student: "Are you really what you said you are? Ya know, when you aren't here..."
Me (becoming slightly more interested): "uh... what did I say?"
Student (leaning in and whispering): "You know... that thing...."
Me (now I'm amused, but assuming a very serious face & attitude): "A Pirate?"
Student: "Yeah... that..."
Me (VERY serious): "Well of course. I wouldn't lie about that kind of thing."

(I went around whistling and/or humming "Yo Ho A Pirate's Life for Me" for the rest of the day, just to keep up the illusion)

*later that day*

Loudest Boy I've Ever Met is eating lunch: "These crackers taste like tea bag!"
Me: Shooting a pointed look at my co-worker, and trying to pretend I didn't hear it, yet, wanting to make sure I wasn't the only one who did.
Vegan Co-Worker: "LoudBoy ..... um..... what did you just say?"
LoudBoy: "I SAID, 'these crackers taste like tea bag'... because they really do."
Me: Staring at Vegan Co-worker pointedly the whole time... until I fall apart... silently.... the tears of laughter (and tears from the pain of trying to contain myself) streaming down my face.
Vegan Co-Worker: Obviously heard the same thing I did (twice)... he just closes the door leaving me to bask in the inappropriate humor .... alone.

I should note that Vegan Co-worker and I were the only ones who found the humor in LoudBoy's commentary. Nothing like a tea-bag joke that only two people in the room get.

*minutes later*

Boy With a Heavy Mexican Accent: "Is there anything you can't eat with your false teeth?"
Vegan Co-Worker: "Well yeah, rocks and trees and stuff."
Boy With a Heavy Mexican Accent: "Oh... I ate a lady once."

(note: exactly what this kid meant is unclear... there are some things one just doesn't ask for clarification on)

Yes, it seems my job really is a LOT like faire.

As if all this hilarity in one day wasn't enough, I had a beautiful bouquet of flowers show up when I got home this afternoon. Thank you SO MUCH Mr. Nanning! I am so touched, you have no idea how much I appreciate it. And, even more so because this is the first time I've ever had flowers delivered to me (I've gotten flowers before, but have NEVER had them delivered from a florist)... such a wonderful surprise. They have their own little table right next to my bed.

08 July 2007

The Star Thrower

This story has been brought to my attention several times in the last couple of days, and it is one that really hits me close to home... I hope you enjoy it as much as I have:

The Star Thrower, by Loren Eiseley

Once upon a time, there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work. One day, as he was walking along the shore, he looked down the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself at the thought of someone who would dance to the day, and so, he walked faster to catch up.

As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, and that what he was doing was not dancing at all. The young man was reaching down to the shore, picking up small objects, and throwing them into the ocean. He came closer still and called out "Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?"

The young man paused, looked up, and replied "Throwing starfish into the ocean."

"I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?" To this, the young man replied, "The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they'll die."

Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, "But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can't possibly make a difference!"

At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said, "It made a difference for that one."

05 July 2007

The word of TXT

I was getting ready to delete my text messages, and as I usually do, I read through them. Really, in context they're pretty funny... out of context, even funnier.

So, I give you a new 'module'.... random things from my phone OR "out of conTXT."
(in the right-hand column)

Either it will be funny, or stupid, or both. Either way, I'll leave it for a while... at least until I get bored.


PS. Tomorrow is Shoe Porn Friday! Hooray!!

04 July 2007


I am learning about independence.

It is difficult.
It is confusing.
It is liberating.
It is amazing.

And yet, I'm finding that 'being on my own' means depending on others more than I ever have in my life.

Asking for help, and asking for what I need (versus what I want, that's a different blog altogether), are not things I've ever done well. There have been times recently when I've actually had to sit down and tell myself, "You need to ask for help with this. And, you need to be ok asking for help with this."

Oddly, I feel like I've learned more about life, living, doing, and being in the last six months, than I did in the previous 30-ish years .

Yes, I spent the three to five years prior to these six to eight months examining myself and my life closely, deciding what it is I want, how I want to live, and how I need to go about getting there. But, to have finally figured it out, and have made so many changes, and to have progressed so far in only six months.... well, yeah, just... cool.

I realize I have a long way to go, but it doesn't seem quite so scary when I look at how far I've come.

Happy independence day to all of you. I depend upon so many for their ability to be loving, supportive, affectionate, hilarious, tender, creative, caring, and kind. I hope that I have been (or will be) there to return the favor should you need it.

28 June 2007

'Poem for Everyone'

(I stole this from Glen's Triblog... Just too long to put under QOTD, but I really love it, and wanted to share it with you...)

I will present you
if you are patient and tender.
I will open drawers
that mostly stay closed
and bring out places and people and things
sounds and smells,
loves and frustrations,
hopes and sadnesses,
bits and pieces of three decades of life
that have been grabbed off
in chunks
and found lying in my hands.
they have eaten
their way into my memory,
carved their way into
my heart.
- you or i will never see them -
they are me.
if you regard them lightly,
deny that they are important
or worse, judge them
i will quietly, slowly,
begin to wrap them up,
in small pieces of velvet,
like worn silver and gold jewelry,
tuck them away
in a small wooden chest of drawers

and close.

-- John T. Wood

27 June 2007

A day in the life...

So, today at work, the DIRECTOR of the place got caught in a lie.

Let me go back a bit...

There have been some rumors, among the staff, about one of our social workers being ready to snap. She's been 'ready to go' for a while. The students really had no idea, but those of us who have been doing this for a while know the classic signs of burnout. And, trust me, 'special ed' has a HUGE turnover.

This morning, when we saw this social worker's van backed up to the administrative building, and she was obviously packing her stuff, the residents started freaking out.

"she's leaving! is she leaving?"
"where's she going, I'll bet she was fired..."
"is she leaving us? what happened? what'd we do?"

At that point, I couldn't answer any of their questions. My only response was, "I don't know, lets wait and see, I'll ask Director Lady, let's not jump to conclusions."

Knowing full well that every single one of these kids has abandonment issues, and all of them based on their parents, I knew this wouldn't turn out well. Already, these kids were starting to lose their minds, they all know the signs.

Apparently, one of them was told that the Social Worker was sacked. I don't know the full story, she may have been canned, she may have quit. But, when she literally ran to her mini-van, and peeled out leaving the parking lot, we were all pretty sure she didn't plan to come back. No good-bye, no final word for the residents, just an extended middle finger in the form of exhaust fumes and melted tire tracks.

Let the freak outs begin.

Two kids had to be physically restrained to keep them from hurting themselves or others. I simultaneously talked down three others from whatever behaviors they were threatening (from cutting themselves, to running away, to "fuckitall no one cares, my social worker doesn't even care"), and all the while giving sly dirty looks to the "Cool Kids" trying to get them to stop provoking the others.

As soon as things were somewhat in hand (meaning no one was trying to kill themselves or anyone else) I went to Ms. Control Freak and Mr. Teacher and said, "look, I know things are crazy right now, but one of you needs to call Ms. Director Lady, and have her come over here and talk to these kids... they need to know what's going on, WE need to know what's going on. It has to happen now before things get worse."

That's when things got worse.

Ms. Director Lady and Other Social Worker Lady show up in the classroom. We get all the kids settled (relatively speaking), and Ms. Director Lady starts talking. And, she starts lying. Its not that she's a bad liar... but, these kids have been consistently lied to for as long as they've understood language. Many of them know bullshit when they hear it, and they are ready to call you on it.

And one of them did.

And it got ugly.

About the time she called Ms. Director lady a "fucking white trash lying bitch."

Yes, that sent a majority of the other kids one of two ways... sobbing uncontrollably, or into fight mode. Yes, kill the lying white trash... it's the way of the 'hood. And really, how does one decide between comforting the kids who are sobbing, and trying to stop the others from killing this lady who just basically fucked them over? I chose the crying kids. She chose to lie... let her deal with the consequences of her actions.

Her answer? Promise them all ice cream (and then later, pizza for next week) and put the house on lock down for an hour...then run away and leave us to deal with the fallout. Freakin' awesome.... wish I had a PhD and could think like that.

I know it's odd, but one of the parts of my job that I really appreciate, when I really know I've somehow touched a life.... when a child who has threatened my life (thank you Danger Gril... her spelling, not mine), who has cussed me out, and told me she hates me, comes to me sobbing, and I can hold her in my arms and tell her "its going to be ok, I'm still here for you. I'm not going anywhere." And she, after that hug (which, I'm pretty sure I'm not technically "supposed" to do, but "the rules" can just suck it sometimes), feels a little better... and instead of assaulting someone, feels supported and cared for, and goes on to have a great day... those are the little victories that make my job worthwhile.

When I can pull a kid back from the edge of insanity by getting them to look me in the eye and promise me they won't hurt themselves, then use humor to get her to smile at me, those are the moments that make this job worth it.

Then I looked at the clock... 10 am.

22 June 2007

Shoe Porn Friday

ah... shoe porn orgy... *snicker*

21 June 2007

Out of the mouths of babes...

I was listening to my mp3 thingy while making dinner, when The Short Bus walked into the room...

"Mommy, are you a doctor?"
"Sure - I'm a lot of things."

a couple of minutes later....

"Hey doctor!! I need your help!"
"Uh-oh. What's wrong?"
"I lost my heart!"
"I'm sorry honey. I know exactly how you feel. I'm sure a hug would make it feel better."
*big sigh from The Short Bus*

(*big sigh from mommy*... yeah...)

12 June 2007

Worse than the Kids

Ah... the mighty blog. A place where the pen really is mightier than the sword. A place where the crazy runs at my own personal pace. A place where I don't really want to vent about work, but I don't have anywhere else, and well, I started this so I had a place to write about stuff.

I think today has nearly been the worst day in the history of 'worst days. Yes, I've had days where I've come home with bruises and bite marks (and not the good kind). Yes, I've had days where I've gone directly to the hospital after work. Yes, I've had days where I thought my head would explode if I had to spend any more time sweet talking a 15 year old who was calling me a "fucking stinky-ass cunt" (lovely aren't they?).

But, some days, the staff are worse than the students. I honestly don't remember another time when I've been so close to walking off a job... rent be damned.

In a job like this communication is imperative. The staff at this type of facility spend most of their day attempting to teach the residents how to communicate effectively, how to get their needs met without resorting to violence, how to act "appropriately" so that they can be a part of the community again.

When the adults can't even accomplish this for themselves, I don't know how we can expect them to model the behavior for the kids. It really truly makes my stomach turn, and my heart hurt to see adults behaving worse than the messed-up kids they deal with.


08 June 2007


"If there be words of kindness
Words of praise
Words of encouragement
Speak them now.
Listen to your heart and respond.
Someone, somewhere is waiting
For your words."

I know its not shoe porn, but it really touched me. Just so right, on so many levels, in so many ways, for so many aspects of my life.

Thanks to Amber, who I stole it from.

04 June 2007

"Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now"

About three weeks ago, I started working... for the first time in three years.

Day one was tough, I had to be in Oakland early for an 'orientation' meeting, so I spent the night in the bay area so I didn't have to fight commute traffic, and spent the morning crying as I was getting ready to go. My first day back to work, Short Bus's first day at "school," and I didn't get to kiss him good-bye. There was no 'mommy taking him' to the first day of school (daddy doing it is going to scar me more than him, for sure), mommy being there to explain that I'd be back, I'd be there if he needed me, I was 100% accessable to him....and even though I spent the several days before explaining it to him, it still hurt not to be able to remind him that morning.

And, as I'm coming up on my fourth full week of work (wow, that was fast), I still have that mommy guilt. Short Bus's first day of school, and I was busy working. I suppose that's one of the downsides to divorce, I'm not necessarily going to be able to be there for all the 'firsts' anymore...though, I'll be there for some different 'firsts' and that will be great too.

This job is very similar to what I've done in the past, for those who don't know, I work with developmentally disabled and emotionally disturbed children/teens. This specific group is comprised of 9-10 teenagers (14-18 years old). The facility is residential, the kids I work with go to school and live on site, they are lucky if they get to leave for an 'outing' once a week. I am one of two "instructional assistants" in the classroom, although for two hours before school I am in the house helping them wake up and get ready for the day, and for an hour after school I sit in on group therapy, and help facilitate the meeting.

Of the 9 kids that I spend my day with; all have mild to moderate mental retardation, 5 have post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) from some type of abuse in their past, 1 is bi-polar, 1 has dementia (basically meaning she hears voices and has hallucinations), the 4 without PTSD were neglected as infants and toddlers (so much so that they were removed from the home), 4 of them were born either with fetal alcohol syndrome or 'crack babies' (yes, born addicted to meth. how's that for a start in life), 4 have been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (to say they have issues with authority is an understatement), any of these kids could go to juvenile hall with one phone call. We are their last stop. A couple of them have already been, and were sent to us when they got out, because no one else would take them.

All of that sounds much worse than it is. Yes, these kids have problems. But, they are all very functional, they just have some issues with social skills. I did consider throwing my hat in the ring over at tard-blog, but my kids aren't necessarily 'tards'... not in the really funny way anyway. I am planning to write a few 'work' blogs... we'll see how it goes, what comes up. Interesting stuff does happen every day... the question is, how interesting is it? Maybe its only interesting to me...

29 May 2007

Smelling Just as Sweet...

I realized just yesterday that since Friday I've been called so many different names I can't even remember them all...

Giddy, Sugar, Sweetie, Hon, Darlin', and of course, I've been called by the name my mommy gave me (though, spelled in two different ways, which also has an interesting effect)... the list goes on, like I said, I really can't remember. Not to mention random things people call me that haven't come up as recently, Pickles (which, it was recently brought to my attention that maybe 'pretzel' would be more accurate. hahahaha!), Punkin', Kiddo, 'bastardized version of my given name'...

That got me to thinking; am I really all of these people? Am I a different person to different people? Is it odd that the people I'm closest with don't usually call me by a nick-name (with the exception of one, who refuses to call me by my "real" name. He's one of several who would argue that Giddy IS my real name.)? Who the heck am I when I'm all these different people?

I have always loved my name, as common as it may be, I have always felt it was perfect for me. Obviously, I've never used it on the Internets... a girl has to have a little privacy. And, it really is kinda funny when you meet someone for the first time, someone you've been 'friends' with, someone you've been talking to for months, and they say, "so, this may sound strange, but what IS your name?" And I realize, they only know me as Giddy.

It doesn't bother me. I've been Giddy for so long, I actually tend to forget it is an adjective. I respond to it as if it were my birth name... in some circumstances, I will actually respond to it more quickly.

But, it does make me wonder... Who is this Giddy person? Is she the same person as "darlin'" or "sugar" or "pickles"? Are all of those names just different facets that make up 'me'? Or are they all the same person, with a different level of intimacy attached?

What IS in a name? I mean really. Maybe it is just a word which identifies you, but maybe there is something more personal and intimate about it. No matter how common your name might be (the year I was born, my name ranked 4th most popular for girls in the U.S.), it is still personal, and depending on how its said, or who says it, the emotions elicited upon hearing one's name uttered can be very intense (although, I must admit, there have been times when its just downright creepy too).

Am I Giddy (Princess Giddy, Crazy Aunt Giddy, Frickin' Magical Giddy...), Pickles, or Kiddo?
Are you The Muse, CSB, Mrs. Kaos, Princess, or Trouble?
Are those names just small pieces of who we are as a whole? Or, just terms of affection that have very little to do with who we "are" as a person?

Maybe some words only actually carry the importance and power we give them in our own minds.

26 May 2007

The Soundtrack of My Life

Honestly, I've always wanted to do this one... so, because I'm in a mood tonight, I went to the car and got my MP3 dealie....

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to each question, even if it doesn't make sense.

1. Opening Credits:
I Will Survive- Cake (great cover if you haven't heard it)

2. Waking Up:
You Can't Hurry Love - The Supremes (*snicker*)

3. First Day At School:
Drown - Smashing Pumpkins

4. Falling In Love:
Hell - Squirrel Nut Zippers

5. Fight Song:
Friday I'm in Love - The Cure

6. Breaking Up:
Who Can It Be Now - Men at Work

7. Prom:
Never There - Cake (ahahahaha you have no idea)

8. Life:
At Last - Etta James

9. Friends:
Iris - Goo Goo Dolls

10. Driving:
Real Situation - Sublime

11. Flashback:
Kiss Them For Me - Siouxie & The Banshees

12. Getting Back Together:
Doin' Time - Sublime (*snicker*)

13. Losing Your Virginity:
Seasons - Chris Cornell (oh man, so perfect it almost hurts... on so many levels. This actually made me tear up a little.)

14. Wedding:
Epic - Faith No More (oh yeah... "you want it all.. but you can't have it...")

15. Birth of a Child:
I'm Every Woman - Chaka Khan

16. Final Battles:
Smile - Lily Allen (Duck Snooooooooooot!)

17. Funeral Song:
If You Don't Know Me By Now - Harold Melvin & The Blue Notes (awesome! hahaha!)

18. End Credits:
Freak on a Leash - Acoustic Live Version, Korn with Amy Lee (bwaaaahahahaha!!!)

oh man.. that was fun...

24 May 2007

Crazy Eights

I was tagged.
Once again... there is no saying no to The Queen of Kaos.

So, without further ado... eight things about me that you might not know (and likely never cared to know):

--> I hate being late so much, that I actually have anxiety attacks when I am. I've mostly learned how to control it, but still have a physical reaction to being late.

--> The only reason I am so organized is because I'm so unorganized. The minute I "let things go" my whole world falls into utter chaos.

--> I don't like to use euphemisms for death. When someone has died, I usually say "they died" instead of 'passed away,' or 'moved on' or whatever. For some reason, all those little catch phrases we use to soften the blow really bug me. I also hate the phrase "bless you" after a sneeze, and seriously dislike the birthday song.

--> In High School, I was voted "most likely to be a mortician" in the school newspaper's spoof on the yearbook's 'most likely' list. The funny thing; I was actually interested in doing just that for a long time, but never told anyone.

--> Can I use the ankle thing again? no? damn. How about saying, I'm more flexible than most, and I don't usually realize it until someone points out that I'm sitting in an 'odd' postion.

--> Even though I am a skeptic, I still play with my tarot cards and rune stones on occasion. And, I have a hard time not believing in some sort of 'after life,' based on some 'odd' experiences I've had. I definitely believe in the unexplained (and unexplainable), and the power of human intuition. It is truely amazing the things our subconcious minds pick up on.

--> I'm not sure I fully understand the concept of 'love.'

--> I have learned more about myself in the last three months, than I did in the previous 32 years combined. And honestly, I couldn't be more pleased.

Tag 8: mum2angus, Pi, Marc, Jill, Captain Black, Pink, Jessica, & Jessa.