28 November 2006
I suppose it is appropriate to share now...
About a year ago, a very good friend of mine (ours) was diagnosed with Leukemia. At first it was one of those, "oh no big deal, we'll treat it and he will be just fine" things (at least that's what I was told). After some chemo, and a long hospital stay, then some more chemo, and more hospital (and other icky stuff), it was determined that maybe he should look into a bone marrow transplant.
He stayed cheerful, in fact, I don't think I've ever met anyone with a better attitude about life and the 'hand' they had been dealt. Though, the decision about the transplant was a difficult one, he held his head high, and came to the conclusion that if he was going to die, he wanted to do it his way... not stuck in a hospital bed somewhere, not feeling awful every day.
In the last few months, he lived his life to the fullest. Making sure to spend all of his time with family and friends, he also lived for himself. Something we all need to learn how to do... to divide our time between family, friends, and ourselves so well, no one feels they are missing out. He gave of himself freely, he loved openly and honestly. He lived the way he always had... with an open hand, an open mind, and an open heart.
At about 7 this morning, one of the most wonderful, sweet, kind hearted, and slightly devious (hehehe) people I've ever known passed away. When my phone rang at 8:30 this morning, and I saw a number I didn't recognize, I knew exactly what I would hear when I answered it.
You know that feeling... when in the space of a heartbeat, time seems to suddenly expand, you get that slight vertigo, you know that time is progressing for everyone else on earth, yet for you... that one second stands still. You know that what you're about to hear is what you've been expecting... yet... perhaps its not what you think. And, you answer the call, only to hear the beautiful voice of another deeply loved friend, shaking and holding back the tears long enough to tell you what you already knew (Love you Kel, thank you so much for calling, and for the picture).
My heart broke this morning. I cried not only for the loss of a true, real friend, not only for the pain of my other friends (my "extended family"), but in a flood of relief for him.
Over the last year, I've said, many times, I wouldn't cry until it is time.
Now it is time.
I love you Drew. Rest in peace.
27 November 2006
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
26 November 2006
One of the things I'm really enjoying about that little badge, every time I upload a new picture, it automatically adds that picture to the little mini-slideshow.
If you already have a Flickr account, look me up and add me as a friend! I want to see everyone else's pictures too!
25 November 2006
What I'd really like (and its also likely inappropriate, but I'm not working, I'm playing so I can get away with it) is a riding crop. Any ideas on where I might find a nice one?
24 November 2006
I went with my parents to visit with my grandmother in the nursing home today. My husband decided to go fishing instead. Grandma is starting to go a little senile, and although I know she was happy to see me, I'm also pretty sure I was the only person in the room she couldn't remember.... I'm the only one she didn't address by name, or introduce to the nurses.
Really its fine, I don't take these things personally, I know that she's getting a little senile, but it is hard to see and still hurts. But, to make matters just a little worse, she asked a couple of times where my husband was... and called him by name. Thank goodness my dad was there to answer for me, I think it would have been really hard for me to tell her that he was out fishing.
On the plus side she really enjoyed seeing Jake, and I enjoy seeing her happy... so that's what mattered most. She seemed to be thrilled to see us, and its always nice to see her smiling.
And, just as a somewhat amusing aside, my Grandma wasn't the only person at the nursing home to enjoy Jake's presence. I noticed a few smiles... and many eyes watching him as he played and looked at the fish tank. I'm hoping he made more than just my grandmother's day... he sure made mine.
23 November 2006
22 November 2006
1- I totally stole the list idea from someone else, and although she and I have only recenly 'found each other' again, I still consider her one of my all time greatest friends. Thanks again for 'friending' me.
2- My friendship with someone amazing is about to change... I don't know how much, but as circumstances dictate, this is the way it will be. I am interested to see what the change will be, how it will affect things, but I am worried that it won't allow our friendship to be as close. Then again, one never knows what the future holds...
3- Is there any possible way for me to go to Hawaii for a week right before my birthday? I miss you sooooo much that I want to be there and go play when you walk off that freakin boat. I'm a little scared that I'm going to have a 'thing' against cruise ships when you are finally done.
4- Is that dude creepy, or is he really nice? Am I just jaded?
5- Seriously. I want to go back to school! .... don't I?
6- I wish I could have spoken with you on the phone today, I'm worried about you. Please call me when you can. I love you, you are a wonderful friend. Not only do I enjoy your company, but I appreciate you as a person.
7- I WANTED to call you today, in fact, I thought about you most of the day. I'm so sorry I haven't called you, and I promise I will... its not you... its STUFF and TIMING. Both are poor excuses, and I know that. I'm sorry, I feel like an ass.
8- The baby is beautiful and wonderful and I love him probably about as much as you guys do... what I don't say often enough, is that I love you both that much too. I would do anything for you, and I'd make up all kinds of other stupid stuff to do "for you" even though you never asked me to.
9- My mom is the most amazing, inspiring, wonderful, beautiful person I've ever met.
10- Right at this very moment, the most important thing in the world to me is your happiness. I give thanks every day that you are my friend, and tomorrow I will do a secret toast just in honor of your friendship.
11- Why would you call me and tell me stories about naked fat chicks? (yeah thanks, totally still stuck in my head. EW!)
21 November 2006
Pictures are posted at http://lifesajourney.aboutmybaby.com/
Edited at 8pm: Just got home from visiting at the hospital all day... He was born at 3:22 am, and was 19 inches long. Both mommy and baby (and daddy too) are doing very well. When I left the hospital he was being passed around between grandparents. Even Jake got to sneek in a little smooch and a hug when we were saying goodbye. It was adorable.
20 November 2006
Just playing with Picasa, thanks for reminding me I had it, Glen. It definitely runs faster and easier than PSP (on the laptop), especially if I just want to quickly edit a picture for a post.
I also started a Flickr account today, and I hope to have a link up here either tonight or tomorrow.
Not to mention doing all the chores, baked cookies, and now I'm in the process of making a healthy dinner for my family.
Martha Stewart... eat your freaking heart out. Super-moms these days not only do all the regular stuff, but we blog, photograph, keep up websites, post on message boards, AND I still managed to read about 50 pages of my book today!
19 November 2006
(from Mastering Your Own Mind by Katherine Ellison - Psychology Today Online)
I have always felt that we have control over the emotional part of our brains, but it takes a certain strength of will, a special resolve, to actually overcome one's emotions and think about a situation rationally. I also think that although we ought to make decisions based on the rational parts of our minds, emotions are there to help guide us through that process.
What would happen if we made a conscious decision to fall in love? How funny could a joke possibly be if we thought about it critically before laughing? How could we grieve the loss of a loved one if we only considered it logically?
I understand that this article is not saying we should always control all emotion, and never react emotionally to a given situation. But, how much control ought we to have over that weird, irrational part of our brains which sometimes allows us to throw caution to the wind and experience life just for the sheer joy of the experience? I find it amusing that I've only recently begun to (occasionally) shut off the rational part of my brain and live based on how I "feel," and I'm really rather enjoying it.
I suppose emotions should be used to augment our experiences. I don't think it would be healthy or safe to live based on what your heart is telling you all the time. I don't think it would be healthy or enjoyable to live solely based on rational thought.
Once again, I guess the answer is moderation....and maybe I'll take up meditation just for the heck of it.
18 November 2006
17 November 2006
Then I went to the store, and now I'm home waiting for the phone to ring so I can find out just where my sister in-law is at in her labor. It could be all night, it could be an hour or two. Who knows.
I could really use a shot of tequila. Think they'd mind if I showed up at the hospital drunk?
"hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii new baaaaaaaaayyyyyby! I'm your Aunt Giddy... let me tell you about faire....."
Poor kid. He's doomed.
Crazy Aunt Giddy does have a nice ring to it though....
edit: Well, contractions have pretty much stopped... fuck it, I'm going to the bar.
Dang kid is making Crazy Aunt Giddy even crazier. He must get that from my side of the family.
16 November 2006
Its time for a new tattoo, hurt on the outside distracts from hurt on the inside.
Time to do something spontaneous, daring, bold.... unusual.
Time for adult humor and silliness, I need entertainment. What is everyone doing tomorrow night? Anyone have fun plans? Can I come out and play?
15 November 2006
Luckily, every once in a while something great is brought to my attention (Thanks Jeni). Something that makes me believe in people again, something touching and wonderful that makes me proud of human beings, something that makes me appreciate the depth and strength of human character.
When I read their story I was moved. When I watched the video, I cried.
History of Team Hoyt
YouTube Video of Team Hoyt
The strength of human spirit is astounding. The depth of a parent's love is awe-inspiring. We all are capable of this kind of achievement, its just finding that motivation to drive us.
14 November 2006
they know what matters, but they don't choose it.' "
- Sue Monk Kidd, The Secret Life of Bees
"I give in to sin
Because you have to make this life livable...
Will you take the pain
I will give to you
Again and again
And will you return it..."
-Depeche Mode, Strangelove
See what happens when you listen to the radio while reading a book... thought processes take on a whole different direction.
The combination of the two quotes leads me back to something I've been spending a lot of time thinking about lately: the choices we make. How the choices one person makes can affect so many other people, and how we decide which choices to make purely on the basis of how they affect us personally, or how they affect everyone else.
It seems that we all have a different way of making these decisions, everyone knows people who only consider others in making decisions about their lives, and we all know people who never consider others. The obvious "right" answer is somewhere in the middle. Unfortunately one can never know all the ways in which their choices will affect others, so we have to make decisions based on assumption.
I am a firm believer in making choices which are right for you in the moment, while keeping the rest of the world (or at least those who matter most) in your peripheral vision. One can not look back on the past with regret, because at that time, with the knowledge you had, you made the decision that was right. I really don't think there are too many people in the world that consider their options and choose the least desirable alternative on purpose, though I do believe that sometimes we don't bother to consider all of the options, and make rash decisions. But, that is a whole different post.
Me? Meh. I just follow my intuition.
13 November 2006
I actually ran in the rain today. I do not run. Ever. But today, I ran. True, it was only across a parking lot, but I had this feeling that I parked in the back on purpose, that I almost did myself a favor. Water is falling from the sky in buckets, the puddles are inches deep, and I'm running through a parking lot, skipping over puddles, laughing at myself and the world.
The feeling of fresh, clean, new water hitting my skin, the chill of the cold breeze stinging my cheeks, the crisp, moist air filling my lungs, just that feeling of being alive. For a brief flash of time, there was nothing else in the world. When I got to my car, I didn't want to get inside, I just stood looking at it feeling a little dazed, and honestly, I wanted to keep running (only I really wanted to take off my coat and shoes first).
As usual, common sense won, and I jumped into the car to continue my day. But, just for that one fleeting minute, I felt more free and happy than I have in years.
I suppose this is one of those moments we all need to remember to observe and appreciate when we have them. I know they happen every day, probably more than once a day... those little bits of time that could make a great memory, the little snapshots of life that we should all consciously choose to put into our memories. If we don't make the decision that "this moment right here is really great and I'm going to save it," those little instants will be lost forever.
12 November 2006
Hubby has been on swing shift for so long, I completely forgot how nice it is to have mornings to myself. No wonder I've been so grumpy for so long! I don't like to chat in the morning, I don't like the pleasantries, I don't like anything but my coffee. No one should take this personally, its just the way I am. Even my son has figured this out, and will sit quietly on the couch watching tv for a half-hour until mommy wakes up. Smart child.
Looks like the sun will be out for a little while today, I may just go enjoy it while I can.
Have a lovely day!
11 November 2006
But no, instead of writing I sat here goofing with blogger. I don't know if its going to work for me, but I'll give it another shot. I'm very much driven by comments, if I know there is someone out there that is reading, someone who cares what I'm writing, it gives me a reason to continue. So, if you've followed me over... if you've randomly found me... if you just dropped in to check out the page, feel free to say hi.
10 November 2006
Friday night, wine good
Son refused to nap today
More wine better faster now.
Ok. I can't help myself... I don't feel like writing, and I'm sitting here too damn lazy to get off my ass and get the remote... and bitching about what's on TV via IM:
GiddysIM: is Bob Saget really hosting a game show?
GiddysIM: what the hell am I watching?
Not Me: ROFL crack head
GiddysIM: ok. this stupid game show is actually causing brain cells to commit suicide.
GiddysIM: they are done, can't take it.
GiddysIM: america..land of the retard.
GiddysIM: I really should get up and get the remote
GiddysIM: and yet, I'm busy writing haikus
Not Me: LOLOL
GiddysIM: who am I to talk?
GiddysIM: no seriously... "which of the 7 deadly sins is the video game character pac-man guilty of?"... and then they gave him THREE CHOICES
GiddysIM: it was multiple choice to begin with!!!
GiddysIM: I really should write about this... rofl
GiddysIM: only I don't want to admit that its actually on my tv.
Not Me: ROFLROFL
Forget George Bush, I now totally blame Bob Saget for all of America's problems.
09 November 2006
We all set high standards for ourselves, we are definitely our own harshest critics, but does it have to be that way?
Tomorrow, I will not criticize myself too harshly, I will correct my thinking any time I have a negative thought about myself. For at least one day, I'm taking a page from my dog's book, and I will love myself unconditionally.
(Why do I suddenly feel like I should sign this "Jack Handy"?)
08 November 2006
Is lust a short-term emotion whereas passion lasts? Is passion more closely identified with love (or other strong emotions), and lust purely a sort of 'animal' need? If there is a difference, can one feel both at the same time, and would that individual notice the difference? Is it all contextual?
Maybe there is something a little grittier, more intense, and more instinctive about lust. I have a passion for faire, a lust for life, a passion for people, a lust for love, a passion for being, a lust for doing. So, maybe there is a difference there.
But, if we are discussing sex, (and why not?) maybe the difference is a difference of the heart. If lustful sex is sex that is pure animalistic instinct, a need being fulfilled, would that make the definition of passionate sex: lustful sex with someone you care about? And, if that were the case, wouldn't passionate sex be so much better than merely lustful sex? Wouldn't the passion only intensify the lust?
I think the bottom line is, I submit to passion… but, I am a slave to lust.
07 November 2006
06 November 2006
Things smell good, and I feel a little better. Sometimes it IS the little things that count.
05 November 2006
- Soren Kierkegaard
Thanks for reminding me to slow down and smell the roses along the way. They aren't quite damp hay, extra crispy bacon, champagne, gardenia, or leather, but I suppose one really ought to add new scents to her list now and then.
04 November 2006
03 November 2006
Send your impulse 'round the world
Put your message in a modem
And throw it in the Cyber Sea
Like a pair of vagabonds who wave between two passing trains
Or the glimpse of a woman's smile through a window in the rain
I can smell her perfume, I can taste her lips
I can feel the voltage from her fingertips
Virtuality - Rush
Earlier today a friend sent me a link to a blog post: http://tech.yahoo.com/blogs/hughes/6574
Honestly, I found the commentary quite amusing. Not that addiction to anything is funny, but it took me back to several psych. classes. There were many times when, on the first day of class, we would hear, "We are going to be discussing mental disorders. You are not to diagnose yourself, family, or friends until you have a degree in psychology and you are certified to do so in the state of California." Then, we'd sit around diagnosing ourselves, family, and friends while the professor's back was turned. I mean, how can you not?
What I didn't realize at the time was that all things exist on a spectrum. We all exhibit signs of OCD, Manic-Depressive disorder, PTSD, and addiction (among other things). But, am I an obsessive-compulsive, bi-polar, internet addicted, hedonist? Not really (though I'm sure a couple of you would beg to differ on some of those things).
I would guess that I spend at least 40 hours a week online, for about the last 12 years or so. I also run a household, spend time with my family (I see my parents at least once a week, if not more), and maintain relationships with friends. Every morning I get up, get my cup of coffee and sit down in front of the computer. I check my email (three different accounts), my myspace, tribe, three different message boards, and my son's website. I post here and there, then my day gets started. But, I am 'here' pretty much all day, and half the night.
Should I even get into how many times my computer has literally saved my life? Times over the years when I felt life had nothing left to offer me, and instead of curling up and dying (what I really wanted to do), I came to my computer. I've found love, friendship, support, laughter, and a million other things... in people all over the world. If that qualifies as "social isolation," I must be misunderstanding the meaning.
So, yes, I do believe internet addiction is real, but it's a matter of where one falls on that spectrum. Even when we are at our darkest points, that little blinking light on the modem is there. It always reminds me that I'm just a click away from many of the people I love.
02 November 2006
I have recently heard that my poker face really doesn't hide anything, in fact, I might as well have some thoughts tattooed directly on my breasts (because, really, who's looking at my forehead?). Unfortunately I actually had to bite my tongue when he walked into the room, and remind myself "this is not faire, this is not faire, this is not faire..." Though, I'm guessing from the way his secretary rolled her eyes that maybe I wasn't as subtle as I could have been. *giggle* Yay for big fun at the doctor's office!
Classic quote of the day... overheard in the waiting room: "... but, I've been slobbering in my mouth ALL DAY!"
01 November 2006
I don't know if I'm going to "officially" sign up, or if I'm just going to challenge myself to write every day this month. Of course, I'd love to win the "I fuck like a girl" t-shirt.
Then again... it would make a great christmas present....