30 November 2007

The End

I don't know why... and I'm pretty sure its not just NaBloPoMo... but I am so glad November is over.

I am so tired... and I know December is going to be even more hectic.

Seriously, I may just put the job-hunting on hold until January.

Right now... I have too much stuff to do to be sitting here in front of the computer.

and BTW: WooHoo! I made it all the way through NaBloPoMo! Yay me!

29 November 2007

Run Forrest!

Busy busy busy!

Going to Dickens Fair this weekend... getting all my stuff together... running around like a maniac.

Good grief.
When the heck am I going to do my christmas shopping?

28 November 2007


I didn't sleep last night.
The stress of so many little things building up.
All I could do was lay there and think about so many things.

Funny, usually writing helps.
Not so much right now.
I can't even seem to get through one coherent thought before another partial thought pops up and derails me.

I know, it would help if I made a list, and focused on one thing at a time. But, so many of my thoughts seem so abstract. Every time I sit down to write, the concepts seem to disappear, and are replaced by random buzzing words... all of them racing through my head like so many bumper cars.

So many of the thoughts start out with, "what am I gonna do..."

And, they usually end with a big sigh, and an "I just don't know..."

I'm doing my best to relax and take a 'wait and see' approach... but it is so tough not to have any actual conclusions.

27 November 2007

Not Good-Bye...

...definitely a see-ya later.

I have to say, I feel really fortunate that I got to meet and work with The Vegan Co-Worker.

He was the one who trained me for my job. And, from day one, he was my partner in crime. Inappropriate jokes, less-than-theraputic conversations with clients, many moments that kept us both sane on the job.... not to mention all the times where we made a great team, and actually accomplished something good. The tons of times we worked together to keep a student from hurting themselves (or someone else), or talked someone out of doing something stupid, or maybe even (gasp) taught someone something useful.

I have learned tons from him (not just about vegan eating, bike riding, running, but other 'healthy' pursuits, and some music stuff too), and honestly, I don't know if I'll ever be able to express how much of a friend I feel I have in him.

Stupid frickin' ginger... what in the hell are we going to do without you?

Take good care of The Wife, and The Boy, and tell them I'll meet them when you all come back (even if you only return for a visit). I feel like I know them, though we've never met, and I think they are amazing (plus, I'm pretty sure The Wife & I combined would be a force to be reckoned with).

I wish you all only the best, and can't wait to hear stories & see tons of pictures from Canada.

26 November 2007


With cheeks like this how could they not at least be friends?!?

I'm just sayin'

Time keeps on tickin'

Seriously, when I realized yesterday that I was about tired of all this daily posting... I realized it was almost over. Yay! I've nearly made it through November!

Then... holy crap... November is almost over?

That means Christmas! That means Vegan co-worker is leaving! That means Cool Social Worker is leaving! OMG! I'm still looking for a new job... almost seven months later... wtf?

It means good stuff too... Glen is coming to visit, and I get to go to Disneyland soon (my x-mas present to myself). But still, what the hell? Where did the year go?

25 November 2007

I Want...

A variation on the "I Need..." Google game...

"Giddy wants plenty of attention"
"Giddy wants to be talking with friends"
"Giddy wants to know why"

...well, that was entertaining.

24 November 2007


An excerpt from my horoscope today (Aquarius):

"Allowing ourselves to see our existence as a series of lessons to be learned rather than a set of perfectly executed decisions changes the nature of our lives. Instead of being paralyzed by indecision, we begin to relish the new experiences that come out of our choices."

Honestly, I don't mind being indecisive on the weekends. I make so many important decisions at work every day, taking a break from making a choice (or coming up with choices for other people) is totally necessary. Though I occasionally wonder if my indecision is hindering my progress.

I am the type of person who enjoys progress and change. When things get stagnant, I get bored, and tend to move on. But, with all the change over the last year, I have learned to enjoy "bored." I have found myself, suddenly, able to sit and stare at the wall, and listen to the quiet, and totally appreciate it. I can listen to my own inner voices, and relax while they chatter away. This is new for me.

I have been told, more than once (in the last week, even), that I need to slow down and relax, everything will happen the way it is supposed to in its own time. So, I have decided to take that advice to heart, and allow things to happen around me. No effort, no stress, just allowing. I am letting the universe take control. I know there are going to be times where I am frustrated (even annoyed), with the slow progress of things. I just have to remind myself to "do what I can with what I have" at the moment... and let all the stress of having to 'make' something happen, just for the sake of progress.

23 November 2007

Kitchen Stuff & Things

Must borrow mom's wholesale license

Restaurant supply store good.
prices are amazing (and its open to the public).
but could be better which, actually, might be bad...
I'll buy more.

I can't wait to have my own kitchen again.
stock it with all new pretty things (and, some "old" pretty things).

The KitchenAid will be here this weekend.
welcome to your new home my friend.
lets make some cookies.

22 November 2007

Thankful for Unnecessary Anxiety

Over the last 8-10 months, I have felt more anxiety than I have in my whole life put together.

Security, safety, consistancy, money, beliefs, values... all of these things and more have been up in the air at some point; and tend to go in and out of the anxiety machine - like a big tumbling dryer, things go in, things come out, but always with the churning and turning and tumbling, over and over.

Today there was a chance that in the mid-day exchange of The ShortBus, my Ex-husband would meet CSB. Which honestly, doesn't worry me - I have mentioned CSB to The Ex, and my only concern ever was the random chance meeting at the grocery store or whatever, the awkwardness only there because it was out of the blue.

Honestly, I am looking forward to CSB meeting the Ex... allowing him to put a face with the name. But, I think on a somewhat level playing field, its only fair. To walk into the Ex-inlaws house is awkward enough, I really don't want to drag Him into the whole uncomfortable situation. I've made my bed, there is no reason anyone else should have to lie in it.

Overall, there was no reason for the anxiety (as usual), the exchange was slightly awkward:

Ex-Aunt-inlaw: "oh, you're taking [ShortBus]?"
my inside voice: "well DUH! I'm not here for dinner!"
my outside voice: "yep, have a wonderful thanksgiving, it was great to see you."

But, the rest of the day was lovely.

A quiet morning cooking, with CSB for company. The three of us spent the afternoon with my family, drinking, eating, laughing... the usual stuff. Short Bus fell asleep in the car on the way home, while the "adults" digested, and layed around watching TV all evening.

And, to think... its only Thursday.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

21 November 2007

"Its just not Thanksgiving until I get kicked in the nuts."

They say everyone has a story to tell...
Just start at the beginning, and when you get to the end, stop.
Wouldn't it be nice if it were always so simple?

Life has not been simple over the past few days.
But, let's just stick with today shall we?

Miss "Pay-attention-to-my-face" decided to play the 'strangle myself with my clothing' game this morning. Only today she decided she would be much more assaultive. After hearing The Vegan-Co-Worker get kicked in the nuts, Miss "Pay-attention-to-my-face" was down to her panties... we don't usually have to take those from her. All staff is out of the room, and except for The Vegan's nuts, we're all relatively unharmed.

By the next restraint, she's fully naked and I'm supposed to be holding her legs. Keeping in mind that she's about 5'3" and 300 pounds, this is NOT a pleasant place to be, her legs are short, and she doesn't clean well when she showers. So, yes, I'm slightly hesitant, and for my own mental health, averting my eyes. I slip, get kicked in the jaw... lovely. At some point she kicks me in the back of the elbow too. No, they don't bend that way.

I spend the rest of the day in the kitchen helping to prepare a Thanksgiving meal for the kids (and really, I commandeered a few of the vegan dishes, just to be sure they were done right... how was the stuffing anyway, Vegan-Co-Worker?). Not such bad deal, I don't mind being in the kitchen, but, because I'm in the kitchen I get a bit bawdy (thank you Ren. Faire). It'll be a miracle if I don't get sued for sexual harassment.

We all sit down to eat, and some smarty-pants decides to go around the room, each person saying what they're thankful for. Some of the kids (and actually a couple of the staff) manage to turn it into 'I'm thankful for me because I'm better than you a-holes.' But, somehow I begin to get emotional, thinking about these kids, many of them going home tomorrow and spending anywhere from a few hours, to a few days with their families. A few of the unfortunates, spending Thanksgiving day in a group home.

I get a bit bleary-eyed through the thing, but manage to keep it to myself until that stupid Vegan started talking. I've known for quite a while now that he's leaving, moving to Canada (and not just Canada, but the Way-Far-Away side of Canada... butthole), and he got a little choked up talking about what he was thankful for, and I was basically ruined. Dang. I'm going to miss that guy.

This story ends with my quick stop into Safeway this afternoon to pick up a few things for tomorrow. I get to the register, and this "kid" comes over to bag my groceries. He looks familiar, and it only takes me a couple of seconds to place him. He's one of my old students. I remember when we were working on getting him the job, about 4 years ago. Because of client confidentiality, I can't say anything to him unless he chooses to acknowledge me, and even then I have to be very careful about what I say. But, as I watch him, I realize he doesn't recognize me (which is fine, if I were in his shoes, I'd try to forget me too).

I should probably save this for another blog, and maybe I'll expand on it in a few days, but it really made me happy to see this kid still there and working. A lot of my "clients" walk a fine line between being able to function in society, and spending a lifetime in and out of jail (or an institution, depending on the kid). Most times, I don't ever see how their stories end. Every once in a while, the universe throws me a tidbit, and I suppose that has to be enough.

Monday morning when I wake up, I will think of Safeway Kid (versus, the one who got shot recently, or the one who made it home only to end up in an institution in less than a week), and I will think of the one I heard about a few months ago who actually graduated from high school, and wants to go to college. I will gnaw on these tidbits, and anxiously wait for the next... because it is these very few starfish which I have been working so hard for.

What am I thankful for?
I am thankful for the needle in the haystack.
I am thankful for the diamond in the rough.
I am thankful for the simple things in life.
I am thankful for the few and far between reminders that I am being kicked in the face for a damn good reason.

**The title quote came from The Vegan-Co-Worker, directly after being kicked. My response was, "dude, that is totally the title of today's blog."**

20 November 2007

That grass... it's always greener

In the summer of 2005, I had Lasik eye surgery to correct an astigmatism which had been plaguing me since I was about 15 years old. While I was pregnant, my eyes got worse, and then I had an infant, and waking up "blind" 347 times a night just wasn't cutting it. So, I decided to take the risk,and have the surgery.

I honestly have no complaints or regrets, in fact, it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. My eyes were B-A-D and I honestly love having the ability to see clearly. In fact, I still wake up some days amazed at the fact I can actually see the clock directly in front of my face.... after the surgery, I cried every day for a week straight when I woke up in the morning, opened my eyes, and could see. It was like a miracle (miracle of science... but, hey, a miracle is a miracle).

It won't be long until I will most likely need reading glasses. From the time of surgery, I figured I had a good 20-ish years (give or take five), before I would need glasses to see a menu, or read myself to sleep at night. And, at the time, when I was writing a check for the surgery (to the tune of $1500 an eye) those 20 years mattered.

Though I don't miss having to take out contact lenses before going to bed (especially at faire), and I don't miss having to be sure my glasses were at hand as I fell asleep, or getting up to care for my kid in the middle of the night and forgetting to grab them because I was half asleep, I do miss the fashion statement they made.

I know... I am not really what people think of when they think 'fashionista.' I'm pretty sure, when "Project Runway" comes on, my friends don't think "Giddy." But, I have always had my own odd personal fashion sense. There are times when I am sitting down to write, when I miss having my glasses... just because even with all the annoyance of being "blind," I really enjoyed the look.

Gah... am I really so vein?

Is it strange that I'm considering going out and buying a pair of glasses just for the look? Is it odd that I miss them so much?

I feel like it seems strange... but I wore them for fifteen years... maybe its normal to feel strange to NOT wear them.

Ps. Yes, I love Tina Fey... would she be as funny without the glasses?

19 November 2007

oh man...

can't post... too tired... lotsa brain stuff...
giddy sleep now.
write more tomorrow.

18 November 2007

Better than good.

What can I say?

The weekend was good.
No, better than good.

I needed that.
good grief, I so totally needed that.

17 November 2007

Grand gestures and the little things.

Coming down the trail, we hit a particularly difficult to navigate portion, and I notice him glace back to be sure I'm making it down okay... a hand at the ready - should I need it. I realize the path he chooses isn't difficult, or treacherous in any way. That may just be who he is, or it may be for my benefit. Either way, I notice, and I appreciate all the possible explanations behind the action.

I remember hiking with my dad when I was a kid. He would always be in the lead, choosing the safest path, "walk in my steps, and you'll always be safe."

Some of my clearest memories are of crossing creeks or streams, he would always choose a path that was easy to follow. I remember feeling secure when he would look back to be sure I was still there, making my way in his footsteps, keeping up in my own 'tough yet girly' tomboy-ish way.

For years, I watched my ex-husband walking ahead of me; choosing a difficult path for himself, leaving me in his wake to find my own way. I would watch him become smaller as he crashed and smashed his way through the brush, and splashed his way through the water... and I lagged behind, learning how to make my own way and keep myself dry, warm, and safe. It didn't matter how many times I reminded him I was there, or asked him to slow down, he did his own thing, and I did mine.

Today, I strike a balance between needing/wanting/accepting help, and doing it on my own. I'm not trying to prove anything. I don't let my pride get in the way of asking for help, and I don't let my 'girly' side ask for too much help. I am me. I take the hand when I need it (or when it would make life just a little easier), and do it on my own either when I need to do it myself, or when the help isn't necessary.

This afternoon, I realized the weight carried in the smallest gesture. The things you never even realize you are doing, can speak volumes to the someone who is aware of them. Sometimes, just being who you are naturally is enough to touch another person's heart. You may never understand what it is that other person sees in you, why they care so much about you, what it is that makes them want to spend more time with you.

Most times, there is a reason it is so hard for the person you are questioning to explain those "Whys." That reason has to do with the thousands of little gestures, looks, thoughts, and expressions which exist for the briefest second, then get lost in the next moment.

I know I've said it already, but sometimes (even for a "writer") words can never be enough to express certain feelings and thoughts. So, I stick with 'thank you.' It is always a thank you for all those little gestures you aren't even aware of... if I could explain it, I would. If I had all the flowery words and romantic gestures (without getting embarrassed and making myself giggle uncontrollably), I would use them. But, I suppose you'll just have to settle for me, and whatever little things I offer to you, without even knowing I am offering them.

Happy Birthday.

16 November 2007

Out of touch

Yep, about an hour and a half into the drive I lost cell service...

incommunicado until Sunday afternoon.


15 November 2007


By this time tomorrow I will be fully naked... either in front of a fire, or in a spa (maybe a combination of the two), with the ocean roaring outside the window, and a glass of champagne in my hand. At least that's the plan.

Yes, I've been missing the pacific northwest...the beach and the trees... and this weekend provided the perfect opportunity.

CSB's birthday will be celebrated in style... and as much as this weekend is for him, its for me too. I need a weekend away... spending time listening to what the ocean has to say to me, watching the picture it is painting for me, taking in the coast with all my senses. Letting my soul relax, and take in the peace that it so desperately needs.

I know that he needs the break too.

This will be an excellent weekend.
Here is to wishing you all a wonderful weekend.

14 November 2007

At least the suit was good

(her)"Can you define Developmental Disability?"
(my inside voice) "lalalalalala... oooooh shiny...wait, what? FOCUS!"
(my outside voice) "wow, that's kind of general... can YOU?"
(her, with attitude) "actually, I can, but I'm not the one being interviewed."
(my inside voice) "oh crap, what just happened?"
(my outside voice) *nervous laughter* "I'm sorry, I was kidding... yes, yes I can. I'm sure of it."

So, I was ambushed. I was expecting a "normal" interview... I had a panel interview. Each person with a list of questions longer than a baby's arm. Each question VERY job specific... seriously, I had easier exams in college.

Over all, I think I did OK. Yes, just OK. I think I have a 60/40 chance of getting the job.

I really want this job, which is why I was so dang nervous. And, I am fully frustrated that I can go for an interview for a job I don't want, and they offer it to me on the spot. But, something I really want... I end up murdering the funny, and just hoping that isn't what the interviewer remembers about me.

13 November 2007

Caviar Dreams

Interview tomorrow.
Big Deal.
Really want the job.
Actually went and bought a suit (first one I've ever owned... is pretty).

If this happens, shoe porn will return.
If this happens, I can wear pretty shoes to work.
And skirts.

Giddy want morebetterfasternow.

Send good mojo.


12 November 2007

See This?

...It's a smile.

Smiling means I'm happy.
Smiling at you means you make me happy.

Any more questions?

11 November 2007


Funny, I have had two dreams about the same person in the last week... but the dreams have presented him in two completely different lights. In fact, the words he used in the dreams were exact opposites. I woke up thinking it was odd, and all day, both dreams bounced around in my head.

Think I'm confused?

Think its time for me to ask for a bit of clarification?

As much as my subconscious seems to want to know, my waking mind seems to be happier playing a passive role, and just accepting everything at face value. I'm trying not to over-think things, but obviously part of me is looking at both sides of the coin, and evaluating different possibilities.

10 November 2007


a little relaxing, a little Dickens pre-faire, a lot of happy.

my back is feeling better, and I finally got a good night's sleep... even though I dreamt of work. Still, better to dream of work and wake up safe and warm and not required to go anywhere, versus not dream of it, and wake up having to go.

thank goodness for three day weekends.

09 November 2007


I'm so flippin' happy its finally Friday.

Hope everyone has a great weekend...

08 November 2007

I don't want to talk about it.

The Gay Pride Multi-Penis Turkey:

Drugs are bad:

(it says: I can say no buc when someone tol me to do drugs and stuff drugs can deamages you barain salle and stuff bue con killed you self and stuff.)

Written by a 15 year old...
...couldn't have said it better myself.

07 November 2007

It's MY bellybutton, and I'll do what I want with it!

I have been thinking off and on all day about what I was going to post tonight. I'm not sure how many work posts I want to do in a week (even though this week has been out of control). But then... during a staff meeting, we're discussing a client, and the social worker says, "oh man, I really never thought I'd have a job where I said the word vagina so often."

And I thought... hm... that might make a good blog.

Then, she says, "I refuse to give her too much attention for that behavior, I just say to her,'okay, you'll take it out when you want, it's your vagina' and walk away."

And that... that was the best laugh I had all day.

I may get frustrated with the students. I definitely get frustrated with the 'administration.' It is absolutely a high-stress job. But, it's moments like these, and the gay multi-penis turkey (should I even tell that story? maybe I'll just get a picture and make that tomorrow's blog) that make me realize I can never have a 'normal' job... ya know, one where I can't say "vagina" in a public setting on a regular basis.

06 November 2007

The Screaming of the Goats

Honestly, I really wanted to call this blog "The Silence of the Lambs"... but today was not about silence.. nor was it about gentle lambs... it was all about blood, guts, gore, and general ick.

I really didn't feel quite right when I got up this morning, just a sense of impending doom, and general unease. But, I figured I had eaten too much sushi last night, and pressed on. By the time I got to work, I was feeling a bit dizzy, and my sense of dread had increased... I figured I was just being melodramatic (what? Giddy, melodramatic? ha!).

When I opened my car door I heard an inhuman sound... a sort of bizarre screaming which I knew was bad, but couldn't place. I looked around, the sound making me sick to my stomach, when my eyes settled on the goat farm across the street. Three goats in battle... one obviously losing... in a big way. Essentially being eviscerated by the other two... I saw blood and gore... I heard agony.

So, quite upset, I run inside. I am nearly immediately descended upon by three "clients," who want to tell me about "last night." And, they do... great, so last night was chaos... lovely. Then another 'client' starts freaking out over nothing. She tries to run off-site three times before we get her inside and, what appears to be, calming down.

Yet, she's not calming down. The end result is a suicide attempt, then the girl swallowing the piece of glass she was trying to cut her wrists with. So of course, for the rest of the morning, we're dealing with paramedics, and sheriffs.

(oh... and here is where you thank me for leaving out many of the most disgusting details of this kid's behavior).

Things only got slightly better. Because, when one kid freaks out, it stresses them all.

My first instinct after seeing the goats was to come home and hide in my closet for the rest of the day... I think I really should listen to my intuition from now on.

Beer me. I'm done.

05 November 2007

My First Halloween

As I sat in a chair in the front room, I could hear the neighborhood kids screaming around the streets. Shouts of "trick-or-treat", "hey guys, wait for me", shrieks of joy, and the appropriate screams of terror, were floating in through the window. The smiles on the kids faces, the fun of showing up at a random stranger's house and getting a piece of candy... it's all so very endearing, and nostalgic.

The other side of it was that it all made me generally sad. The ShortBus was with his dad for Halloween, and though I knew he was having tons of fun running around with his neighborhood 'gang' (four of them... all between two and 4 years old.. yes, they are bad-ass), I couldn't help welling up a tear at the three-ish old Robin Hood that rang the bell. I was really sad that I wasn't spending the evening with my boy.

I knew I was going to miss him.

It was a tough night, but because the interwebs were broken at my house, and I was on candy duty, I did plenty of writing. And, I suppose that was the silver lining.

*picture from halloween 2005*

04 November 2007

Falling Back

I have been looking forward to the time change for a couple of weeks now. And, even though The ShortBus was in my bed at 6am, it is going to be so nice to drive to work AFTER sunrise.

03 November 2007


Tapirs having sex...
Lemurs enjoying a 69...

Luckily, The ShortBus is only three and had NO IDEA about what was going on, and didn't bother to ask me about it.

*Flash back to several years ago when I took my niece to the zoo, with a friend of mine and her daughter (both girls were about 9 years old), and the monkeys were having sex. My niece asked what was going on, and as I stumbled and fumbled ("well, when a mommy and a daddy monkey love each other very much..."), my friend's daughter interrupted me to explain in explicit language exactly what was happening. I spent the rest of the day embarassed, and wondering if her mom would leave bruises when she kicked my ass. I literally planned to just stand there and take the beating.*

The best comment of the day had to be when we saw the monkeys cleaning one another, and CSB leans over and starts grooming the ShortBus's hair, after about 30 seconds of nit-picking (*snicker*) ShortBus says, "Mommy......are you sure about this?"

After the laughter subsided, I said, "meh, I'm never really sure about anything, but this seems to work."

Yes, it was a good day. The Funny© visited us several times throughout, The Happy© and The Smiling© also spent quite a bit of time with us, and although exhausted, I'm home with a glass of wine, and all smiles.

Life is good.

Happy Saturday!

Yay! ShortBus and I are going to the SF zoo today (& CSB may be joining us)!

I'm really looking forward to it, and he's pretty excited too.

I'll post pictures and stories later!

02 November 2007

I Want...

...and I want and I want...

Sometimes I wonder about myself.
At times my desire for fun, relaxation, peace, lust, laughter, enjoyment (etc..), is insatiable.

I know the saying is 'all things in moderation,' and I really do try.
But, really... where's the fun in that?

01 November 2007

Many Hats

On my way home from work today, I realized I did not actually perform my specific job title at all... I am an "instructional assistant." I did do a bit of instructing today (stop that, don't provoke her, can you not threaten me, etc...), and I did do some assisting today (can I help you find something, can I just do that for you, can I help you find some way to walk away from me so that you'll stop spitting on me, etc...).

What I did do today:

Lunch Lady
Pastry Chef
Sous Chef
Jail Warden (more of a feeling than an actual job duty)
Mental Health Counselor
Tech Support
Telephone Operator
Office Assistant
Copy Editor
Master of "Walkie-Talkie Pong" (ok, that was yesterday, but too funny not to include)

Not to mention, Mommy, ex-wife, best friend, daughter, girlfriend (um...-ish??) (and no, I'm not complaing about any of these, just saying, they are more hats I've put on today).

...and there is always; chamber maid, kitchen cleaning crew, laundry steward, accountant, waitress, personal dressing coach (ShortBus needs someone to dress him), professional tucker-inner, and story teller (one of my personal favorites).

Seriously... can I put all this stuff on my resume?

I don't mind wearing a lot of these hats. Dare I say I even like it, for the most part? Even though I am not paid anywhere near what I'm worth, I do the best I can (and, sometimes I don't feel like my best is enough)regardless of the pay.

Sometimes I wonder just how much time I should take on a weekly basis to remove the hat(s) and just be. I think this past weekend (especially Sunday) was the first time in at least two months, I actually took off all the hats, and just existed. It was nice, but made it really difficult to come back to the multi-hat world of Monday morning.