17 November 2007
Grand gestures and the little things.
Coming down the trail, we hit a particularly difficult to navigate portion, and I notice him glace back to be sure I'm making it down okay... a hand at the ready - should I need it. I realize the path he chooses isn't difficult, or treacherous in any way. That may just be who he is, or it may be for my benefit. Either way, I notice, and I appreciate all the possible explanations behind the action.
I remember hiking with my dad when I was a kid. He would always be in the lead, choosing the safest path, "walk in my steps, and you'll always be safe."
Some of my clearest memories are of crossing creeks or streams, he would always choose a path that was easy to follow. I remember feeling secure when he would look back to be sure I was still there, making my way in his footsteps, keeping up in my own 'tough yet girly' tomboy-ish way.
For years, I watched my ex-husband walking ahead of me; choosing a difficult path for himself, leaving me in his wake to find my own way. I would watch him become smaller as he crashed and smashed his way through the brush, and splashed his way through the water... and I lagged behind, learning how to make my own way and keep myself dry, warm, and safe. It didn't matter how many times I reminded him I was there, or asked him to slow down, he did his own thing, and I did mine.
Today, I strike a balance between needing/wanting/accepting help, and doing it on my own. I'm not trying to prove anything. I don't let my pride get in the way of asking for help, and I don't let my 'girly' side ask for too much help. I am me. I take the hand when I need it (or when it would make life just a little easier), and do it on my own either when I need to do it myself, or when the help isn't necessary.
This afternoon, I realized the weight carried in the smallest gesture. The things you never even realize you are doing, can speak volumes to the someone who is aware of them. Sometimes, just being who you are naturally is enough to touch another person's heart. You may never understand what it is that other person sees in you, why they care so much about you, what it is that makes them want to spend more time with you.
Most times, there is a reason it is so hard for the person you are questioning to explain those "Whys." That reason has to do with the thousands of little gestures, looks, thoughts, and expressions which exist for the briefest second, then get lost in the next moment.
I know I've said it already, but sometimes (even for a "writer") words can never be enough to express certain feelings and thoughts. So, I stick with 'thank you.' It is always a thank you for all those little gestures you aren't even aware of... if I could explain it, I would. If I had all the flowery words and romantic gestures (without getting embarrassed and making myself giggle uncontrollably), I would use them. But, I suppose you'll just have to settle for me, and whatever little things I offer to you, without even knowing I am offering them.