27 December 2007

A look back

Father: Sarah, are you home?
Sarah: Yeah? Yes, I'm home.
Ludo: Good-bye, Sarah.
Sir Didymus: And remember, Fair maiden, Should you need us...
Hoggle: Yes, should you need us... for any reason at all...
Sarah: I need you Hoggle.
Hoggle: You - you do?
Sarah: I don't know why, but every now and again... in my life, for no reason at all, I need you - all of you
Hoggle: Oh, you do? Well, why didn't you say so?!

*from Labyrinth*

I've been thinking about the impending New Year, and all the changes this past year has meant for me. The ups and the downs (ugh... how cliche), the ins and the outs (ugh... how dirty), and all the inbetweens.

I've had my heart broken, and then mended, and then held. Not to mention that bit of it that is sitting on my sleeve, and as much as I try to hide it, it always seems to show. And, really, I'm okay with that. While it is still on the mend, the healing process has been helped along by my caring friends, my amazing best friend, my wonderful family, and... well... someone who has a special place in my heart, like a friend, but just a bit more.

I've gone from Stay-at-home-mom, to working-mom, and back to stay-at-home-mom. I'll likely only be here for a minute, but its nice to be home again. It was also nice to be working again, even though the job wasn't quite the right fit. I'm looking forward to having some time off... just not too much.

I've gone from a big four-bedroom house, to occupying "The West Wing"... which consists of a converted garage, a bedroom (which belongs to The ShortBus), a bathroom, and shared kitchen. But, is also more freedom than I've had in years. I have a couple of cupboards, a shelf in the fridge, and my Kitchen Aid... what more could a girl want?

I've gone from wanting, and wishing, and hoping, and dreaming for more, to actually doing something about it... to going out and taking more out of life. To deciding on what I want, setting goals, realizing dreams, and making things happen for myself... no matter how crazy scary it was. I firmly believe, because of empirical research, that if you want more from life, you have to take it. If change is what you need, be a catalyst, make those changes happen.

When I started down this path, I had no idea if the changes would be good or bad. I knew that the whole process was scary, and that change would happen... for better or worse, change would happen.

Its not all happy, but, what stands out is good.
And, really, what more can I ask for?

I need you, I need you all. That is the biggest, and most important lesson I took away from 2007. That I can ask for help, and it doesn't make me any less of a person. That you, my friends, my family, you are the ones I need... more than anything else, you all mean the world to me. I thank you for being a part of my life, my change, my being. For being the ones I can ask for help, or a shoulder, an ear, or an unquestioned cuddle. And also, for inviting me to be a part of your life, and your changes. Mere words can not express how much you all mean to me, and how important your love and support has been over the last year (and, for some of you, even longer).

I can only hope, that in the future, I can somehow return the favor. Should you ever need me... for any reason at all... all you have to do is say so.

25 December 2007

A Very Giddy Christmas

"Good morning sweetie, happy Christmas!"
"Did Santa come?"
"Well, what do you think?" (gesturing to the pile of presents)
"OH WOW!" (scrutinizing said pile)
"Can you read me this book?" (which he carried into the room with him... not a new book, one that has been around forever)
"Of course, but...um... don't you want to open your presents?"
"Yes... after you read me this book."

He snuggled down into my lap, and I sat under the (tiny) tree, next to a pile of presents reading my adorable little ShortBus a story.

Today, that was his gift to me. To start out Christmas morning deciding to cuddle in my lap listening to a story before he opened his presents. That was seriously the best gift ever.

I always tease that he may look like his dad, but his personality is all me. And, usually I do it when he does things like... um, I dunno... shove 90% of a piece of cake in his mouth all at once. But, beyond all the sillyness, and the stubbornness, and independence, there is that sweet side that just wants a cuddle and a story. All the other stuff can wait... it'll be there... right now, we have time for the cuddle and the story, and that's what I need.

Happy Christmas to everyone... hope you get what you want, and what you need... but most of all, I hope you all get the unexpected happiness you deserve.

*photo is the tree & gifts at my parents house*

20 December 2007

So Cool!!

I know, I'm a goof, but there is the coolest picture of the ShortBus and I here: awesome Dickens Fair slide show!

tee-hee! so exciting!

18 December 2007


This was in my email this morning...

"Trying to maintain control in this life is a bit like trying to maintain control on a roller coaster. The ride has its own logic and is going to go its own way, regardless of how tightly you grip the bar. There is a thrill and a power in simply surrendering to the ride and fully feeling the ups and downs of it, letting the curves take you rather than fighting them. When you fight the ride, resisting what’s happening at every turn, your whole being becomes tense and anxiety is your close companion. When you go with the ride, accepting what you cannot control, freedom and joy will inevitably arise."

Yes, yes indeed. I've been working on this, and really, I feel like I'm kinda getting the hang of wearing my seatbelt, but not holding onto the bar too tight....its fun. Even though some things still stress me out, I've found that it makes my life so much easier to let go of the things I have no control over, and let the universe do what it will.

Of course, then there are the things I do have some control over... and, I am getting better about controlling those things. I am learning to make changes where I need to make changes, and let stress only happen when necessary. I'm working on it anyway.

Christmas Rant (...or not?)

What the hell?

By this time last year I had at least one rant about how much I hate x-mas. Good grief. I must be getting soft. My shopping is almost done, and I'm still okay with x-mas. I actually went out and bought a little tree today... its all decorated and festive-like

I'm a little worried... what will happen if I lose my bah-humbug-ed-ness?

I actually said "I love Christmas!" today... of course it was after getting a good laugh out of this article: Woman Gropes Santa. And, then this one (which I could barely read... just look at the photos): Santa hats on whales. I mean really, what other holiday has articles like this?

Yes, seven days before x-mas, and I haven't started ranting yet... must be a record of some sort.

Ps. No word on the job yet, but I had a dream last night that they offered it to me. I promise to let you all know when I hear something. At this point, I'm not going to even worry about work until I get back from The House of Mouse in mid-January.

12 December 2007

Another Interview

I was worried.

I thought maybe I had lost my mojo. I thought, "holy crap, I can't interview for an adult job for anything... I'm stuck."

Yet today, I walked into a Planned Parenthood office, and was spot on. They loved me, hell, I loved me. It was the best interview I've ever had for a job I actually REALLY want.

Once again, I have to thank my mom. To be able to tell them how passionate I am for the cause, to tell them how important I think the service they provide is, to tell them that since I was 15 years old I have appreciated Planned Parenthood.... to sit in an interview and tell them that my mom taught me from a very young age about how my body is my own, and I am the only one who gets to make decisions about it. Period.

To work in a job, and make a career out of something which aligns so closely with my own deeply held personal beliefs is a very exciting thought.

To, mid-interview, stop and have a vivid memory of the march in L.A., and what a huge impact it had on me as a person. Then to be able to tell the panel that was interviewing me a brief story about it, and how important my mom has been in helping me to develop my value system... even if I don't get the job (which, I'm pretty sure I will), the experience was wonderful.

If I get this job, I have mom to thank. I also hope that it makes her proud. Not that the job I do now doesn't, but this is different... she put a lot of effort into teaching me to value myself, and women in general, and now I finally do, and I want to give back ('pay it forward' as it were). I know it will be a job that I am proud to do.

I have a really good feeling about this, and all signs point to yes... which is really convenient considering I gave notice yesterday, I'm not going back to my current job after christmas, I just can't do it anymore.

I should know by the end of the month.

*Photo: I finally picked up my vanity plates for my car! Hooray!*

03 December 2007

Hey! That Hurts!

Upon waking this morning, my first thought was, "Shit. Back to reality."
(Then: "ow, ow, ow, why is that headache still there?!?")

It was a nice weekend, as my weekends usually are. I got to eat Sushi with CSB on Friday night, spend two days goofing around with Bruno at Dickens Fair, and wake up each morning safe and warm, feeling relaxed, comfortable, and happy.

But, as my work stress intensifies, I have gone from near constant back pain to a pretty intense headache (off and on today, a lovely combination of the two). I'm seriously ready to go see a doctor, have it diagnosed as stress, and go on disability (ha! wishful thinking).

I suppose what I really could use right now is a sense of stability and security. It really doesn't seem to exist in any facet in my life, and I feel like I'm scrambling for a foothold at the moment. The cliche which keeps occurring to me is that I kind of feel like the rug is being pulled out from under me. Not that it has been, but that someone is tugging on it, and everything is teetering. I am looking for something to grab onto, to help me feel a bit more anchored, but each time I grab on, this sense of insecurity and uncertainty wash over me. So, I continue to flail.

I knew this was where I was headed.
It was my choice.
When you plunge into the void of the unknown, definitely take a snorkel.
The waters can be deep and murky. But, luckily, there are little rays of sunshine that pierce the surface.