27 February 2007

Can you hear it?

If last night was (in part) about loneliness, tonight is about solitude.

A child that fell asleep early on the couch, a perfectly cooked, timed, and delicious meal, and now the house is clean, the radio and TV are off, and I have realized... it is beautifully, wonderfully, gloriously peaceful.

I close my eyes, my body relaxes, I hear the sound of the rain, a bit of distant thunder, and quiet. No dogs barking, no cars, no sirens, no trains, no one forcing me to pay attention to them. For this brief moment, right here, right now... all is at peace.

The break-down last night was exactly what I needed. A release of powerful emotion to rejuvenate my spirit. I know it sounds cliche, but it was cleansing, and absolutely freed up some resources in my mind to now move on to other things. Now that I have attended to those things, they don't seem quite as scary... they don't seem much of anything... they just "are." And, I am completely at ease with just allowing them to be, for now.

26 February 2007

Foiled Again

This was the blog that The Muse was talking about earlier... this is the one he didn't want me to write. But, he's asleep now... muahahaaa.

I wasn't going to do this. I had no plans to feel this way...I fought it with every breath today. But, just as "He" was getting home (don't worry, I'll come up with a snazzy internet name for the "almost ex" at some point...suggestions are totally welcome!), I lost it. Sitting here locked away in "our" (well, it used to be 'our' now its 'my') room... basically hiding. From what? Confrontation, emotion, discussion... anything that would be better left for the morning...or some other day...or anytime that isn't right this second. Some might even say I was hiding from reality. Maybe. Or, maybe I'm only taking exactly what I can deal with at the moment, and saving the rest for later.

A minute ago (literally) someone said something more caring, more honest, more real, than anything anyone has said to me in a very long time, and I lost it... went for a tissue, and fell to the floor, sobbing. Sat in the floor and cried ... every tear I've held back for for this particular moment, this event... every time I've tried to be strong..... and succeeded. These are the tears I am shedding now. (I tend to save them up for special occasions). This anniversary presents a good reason for me to cry. This moment, good timing.

As I type, the wonder of how amazing and caring and loving my friends can be hits me like a ton of feathers (more softly, and pleasantly than a ton of bricks). Not that its a new realization... just strong right now.

The power in words... well, once I climb into bed tonight ... I'll feel the thought behind some words that I've heard tonight, and I'll feel ... better... I'll fall asleep, and won't "cry myself to sleep"...and thanks for that (no really, thank you for changing my perspective tonight).

As I hear the heavy footsteps of my past trudge through the house, I realize, that even if the man I married (twelve years ago today) could see these tears on my cheeks, or hear the sobs in my heart... know the pain I am going through at exactly this moment, he wouldn't react in any way that would give me any consolation (I only know this because he has never reacted to my emotions before, except to sit and stare at me as if I were a creature from another planet).

Sometimes self-defense isn't necessary... you don't have to admit to doing anything wrong, or making any mistakes... just say, "I'm sorry I made you feel this way." Really, its not admitting guilt...its just saying... I never meant to hurt you, it was unintentional." And, ya know, if someone is crying, give them a hug... even if you are the source of the pain... hugs go a long way.

*this post is NOT a big 'ol "I'm sad, please love me post"... this is a, "thank you to the ones who care" and "hey stupid & socially inept, learn something" post... tomorrow will be better for me.

Now, I'm going to sleep with mental arms around me... I know they are there, and I think I appreciate them almost as much as I need them tonight. (yet, this may be one of the first times I've ever needed them more than I appreciate... I do know the need is more than I'd ever actually admit to. And, thanks for understanding that.)*

The "Anniversary" Blog

So, The Muse says I'm not allowed to blog tonight. Who knew a Muse could be so annoying? sheeeeeesh.

One little pity party, then I'm done.

I actually had a couple of great blog ideas earlier. But, they've gone the way of all great ideas which don't get written down, then are soaked in wine. I'm sure they'll come back tomorrow. I'll let you know.

Today has been all about frustration (and to a certain extent fear). I suppose its hard to realize that sometimes pouring your heart and soul (and everything else that you are) into something doesn't necessarily mean its going to turn out the way you'd like. Not that I don't understand that. The concept in itself is fine. But, the failure hurts a little.

That one can spend nearly half their life working on some project... only to have it fail in the end, that is what is hard to accept. A "labor of love" if you will... in its truest sense. And yet, doomed from the beginning (if I'm being truly honest).

The second, third, fourth, fifth chance is overwhelming, and at a certain point you have to let it all go. Just .... let it go. Because those second and third chances were for "us", the fourth was for him, and the fifth... well, there is no good reason for that one...it was just because (or maybe for me, and I just won't admit it). I suppose that's who I am; Trusting, loving, idealistic, passionate, romantic.... maybe to a fault.

I refuse to become jaded and cynical. I love being all those things, and if that makes me an ass, if that leaves me with some heartache, if that is the part of me that makes other people feel sorry for me (or jealous of me).... so be it. I'm ok with that. Those are the pieces that I will carry out of this, with my head held high. Next year, I'll celebrate this same anniversary with a glass of champagne, and all those pieces in tact. This is me. I will not apologize. I will not see the pieces of me that I love die.

Stuck in my head right now: Incubus - Drive
"Sometimes, I feel the fear of,
uncertainty stinging clear.
And I can't help but ask
myself how much I'll let the fear
take the wheel and steer.

It's driven me before, and it seems to have a faint,
haunting mass appeal.
But lately I, am beginning to find that I,
should be the one behind the wheel."

23 February 2007

Sounding Crazy

What is it about music that moves me so?

My love of language, the way words can cause emotions, and mental images. Words can do and mean so much, while saying so little. Yet, if this were all of it, I would stop with poetry and prose.

Sounds, for me, also cause emotions and mental images. For much of my life, music not only has caused me to feel certain emotions, but to see images, to smell scents, to have a small glimpse inside the psyche of the artist, and feel the power behind the sound. I always thought I was just a little crazy for hearing a 'green' song, or having the ability to visualize what a song would look like if it were a thing (not the notes on a page though, I can't read music).

I am an extremely "sensory" person. Maybe movies and visual stimuli are too much for me, I do have a tendency to tune out television, and I can't retain any of it (just ask me what happened on ER last night.. I honestly don't remember). But, ask me the last song I heard, and I could tell you immediately. Not only could I tell you, but I could sing it for you (though I wouldn't), and 99% of the time in the right key (though, seriously, I wouldn't).

The soundtrack to my life is ever changing based on what is happening around me, and typically I don't have a song stuck in my head for more than a couple of hours (unless it is really relevant, currently it has been "My Immortal" or "Call Me When You're Sober" by Evanescence... my 'go to' songs of the moment).

If you ever 'really' want to know how I am, ask me what song is stuck in my head. That will tell you more than you ever wanted to know.

Sex & Chocolate (Part 2)

Honestly, I did not want to revisit this article, especially page three. But, I said I would, so... here I am.

I really do know for a fact that there are a lot of women who have sex with their partner even when they do not desire it. And, I agree, it is not a good idea, it is detrimental to the relationship as a whole. But, I also know that there are times when a person doesn't really desire it, until it is initiated... then suddenly find, "oh yeah, that WAS a good idea." Unless it wasn't a good idea... sex with some people is never a good idea.

Ya know, really... I am so done with this article, and this woman. It makes me so angry that anyone would project their sexual difficulties onto an entire gender. Her story turns my stomach. I'm sad for her, sickened by her, and really... I just want to go buy her a brownie, and burn every copy of her book that was printed.

And that, my friends, is part two... the final chapter. There MUST be something better to read out there.

21 February 2007

Sex & Chocolate (Part 1)

Article: Not Tonight, Dear

Oh dear... where to begin? It would be so easy to start off saying I feel so sorry for this woman (let's not even mention her poor husband). It would be easy to say that I think she is missing out on one of the greatest pleasures of life. It would be easy to say that she is so wrong it hurt me to read the article.

But, I never go for the easy. That would be way too.... easy.

If you are a woman with a low libido, and you are okay with that, great for you. But, do not tell me that if I have a 'normal,' 'active,' or even 'high' libido that I am faking it. If you consider sex a "chore," you aren't doing it right.... and no; I'm not fooling myself.

I agree, the way the media portrays sex is inaccurate. Of course it is, it's made to get your attention, it's made for entertainment purposes. What is more entertaining than sparking a little lusty fire in your imagination? What is more entertaining than really sexy fantasies? (Besides living them out.) But, Desperate Housewives is quite different than Girls Gone Wild, and if you want to talk about GGW, well, I'll write an entirely different blog. It just doesn't belong here.

Women, historically, have never been allowed to express (let alone experience and enjoy) sexuality. There has always been a certain level of repression, and I for one am glad to finally see a backlash... a sexual awakening, if you will. For hundreds (and thousands) of years, we have been forced to hide and repress our sexuality. Sex has always been for men, and if you want just one example, look at the porn industry.

While a man who enjoys sex is "powerful, potent, virile... a stud," a woman who enjoys sex is a prostitute, a whore, a witch, someone to be looked upon as impure, sick, and disgustingly dirty...not the kind of girl you bring home to mother. Quite a double standard if you ask me, and one which has lasted FAR too long.

Ms. Sewell mentions the “pro-sex feminist” (and you can almost feel her rolling her eyes while she says it). What she’s missing is that having a “robust sex drive” does not mean we’ve “broken through a barrier,” but that acknowledging the fact that women do, and can, enjoy sex (frequency shouldn’t even be an issue), and that women are feeling safe enough to freely express their sexuality, THAT is a huge step. That is a barrier which has needed to be broken for years.

She claims “men are far more interested in sex…” Could this possibly go right back to history, and what I was just discussing? Could it be that men are just more obviously interested in sex? Men are allowed to discuss it, it is socially acceptable for a man to want to ‘get laid.’ In fact, if a man doesn’t discuss sex, people start to wonder about his virility, his sexual orientation, and his ability to perform sexually. Come to think of it, I don’t think it’s necessarily easy on the guys either.

Funny, I’ve always considered myself a “feminist,” but now… oh yeah; I’m definitely a “pro-sex feminist.” Guess what? I’m a woman, and I like sex. *Boo! Did I scare ya?*

(Thanks to CSB for pointing me to the article [among other things], and The Muse for making me giggle while I wrote, and reminding me of the time)

{Stay tuned… a discussion of page three of the interview to be posted tomorrow!}

16 February 2007


Is it an illusion?

Are people who are 'generally' happy fake? Does happiness always seem contrived to you?

I had a conversation earlier.... "He" is a very cynical pessimist, I am a slightly cynical optimist. Part of the discussion had to do with choices. My opinion is that in general, people choose how to behave, how to react in given situations, how to deal with what is presented to us in life.

If someone is rude, they have made the choice to be rude. Yes, something may have happened in the moments before they were rude such that they aren't necessarily intending to be rude, but are distracted... I suppose that's where my optimistic side comes in. I really do think that a majority of people... presented with the options available, would choose to be kind to their fellow man, versus an asshole. But, I also think that we aren't trained to "see" those options very clearly, or at a moment's notice.

An example: I was leaving the mall today... Short Bus in the stroller in one hand, bags in the other, purse and diaper bag over my shoulder. A guy walked out the door just a few feet ahead of me, didn't bother to look behind him, and the door closed just as I got there. Not very nice, but nothing I'm going to stew over for hours... easy enough for me to use the 'reverse ass & hip' maneuver, and get out the door on my own (thank goodness it was a push and not a pull). No big deal. Though I did consider saying, "what? you don't look behind you when you go out a door?" Just to see his reaction.

Now really, do you think that guy thought extensively about being a jerk, or do you think he just walked through a door? Judging by the way he was dressed, I'd say he had just gotten off work, and was on his way home... or on a break or something. I don't think 'being polite to mall patrons' was on the top of his list at that moment. Let me tell you, I've been there, it's really not in the top 50 after a long day of customer service.

No, I don't know that for sure, but really... (1) does it matter? and (2) doesn't it make the world just slightly brighter to think that he had other things on his mind, and didn't mean to let the door close in my face? I mean, isn't that the difference between the optimist ("he didn't mean to, he just has other stuff on his mind") and the pessimist ("what a dick, he just slammed the door on me")?

About three years ago, I decided I preferred seeing the good side of people, so I started a little journal called "Restoring My Faith in Humanity." It was just a list of all the nice little things I noticed strangers doing for one another throughout the day; "someone held the door for me", "saw a stranger drop a pen, someone else picked it up for her", "heard someone say 'You're Welcome' instead of just grunting" stuff like that. But, the more I looked, the more I noticed... and suddenly, I didn't need to write it all down, I was constantly noticing all the little things people did for one another in the course of a normal day. Suddenly, my step was a bit lighter, and I was finding myself being a little more optimistic about the world around me.

So yes, I believe I have trained myself to be an optimist, I have made a choice and conscious effort to see the good in people, and in the world. I believe it is possible for a majority of people. Retrain yourself to actually notice all the little happy things in the world, and by golly, you WILL notice all those things.... and strangely enough, you will start to notice OTHER things that are good in the world.

I was told earlier (by my skeptical pessimist), that my brand of happiness is "fake," contrived if you will... I am "making it up."

Honestly, I take my happiness where I can get it... and enjoy it for as long as possible. Taking the bad things in stride and working with them as well as I can to get an outcome. Then I move on, and even in the midst of misery, I still pull those bits of joy wherever I can get them (even if I create them for myself)... and cling to them like little life preservers in a sea of sewage. If that's what it takes.

I really believe that life is (for most) what we make it. The old adage about stopping and smelling the roses works... even if you feel you are standing in the midst of a septic tank. If you look for the good, you will find it... sometimes its just hiding. And yes, sometimes you might have to dig through some pretty nasty junk, and get your hands a little dirty to find it. But, once you do, you know what you're looking for, and you realize its there, it will be easier to see in the future.

None of this means I don't listen to The Cure or The Smiths anymore, and yes, I still cry when I hear Depeche Mode's "Blasphemous Rumors"... but, I suppose I take everything with a grain of salt these days. Good and bad always go together, you just have to want to see 'em both. And, sometimes if you blink, you'll miss it.

FYI: I have been wearing my flashing princess tiara while I write this... if you don't know what that is... just wait for faire (or look at pictures from Disneyland)... you'll know soon enough.

**disclaimer: I am in no way putting down or questioning anyone who is depressed, or otherwise diagnosed with any kind of mental disorder. Depression and anxiety are serious issues, and I implore you to talk with a therapist if you think you might even be a little depressed. I have the utmost respect for anyone who has gone (or is undergoing) help with/treatment for any and all mental issues.**

Bloody Henry & Other Personalities

The Muse said I should write about how deadly slow and boring the internet has been today... but if you're here, you likely know that already.

So... what to write. I could talk about how it was the most absolutely perfect 75 degree day here today... but I think some of you might just come kill me for that (might be worth the visit though).

I could talk about the awful disco I'm listening to ... but, who really cares?

I could tell you about how I'm a serious shoe whore... and picked up a cute new pair today (are you thoroughly bored yet?).

I could say, I bought a shirt specifically for faire at t-shirt hell, and it showed up today... I'm so excited to wear it. The laughs will be priceless... either that or it will only be funny to me... and that'll be worth it too.

I've been trying to come up with an appropriate name for the Short Bus, considering he's going to get to a certain age where Short Bus is just wrong... I figured I'd start now. So far, I've decided his Zombie name is "Mystery Meat" (its been one of his nick-names for a loooong time now - don't ask), and I'm working with ten-bajillion Pirate name generators to come up with something perfect (so far I've gotten Captain Jack Kidd *yawn*, and Bloody Henry Bonnie), I'll let you know if anything good comes up.

14 February 2007

V-Day... I really like Foo Fighters...

"So close, no matter how far
couldn't be much more from the heart
forever trust in who you are
and nothing else matters.

Never open myself this way
life is ours, we live it our way
all these words I don't just say
and nothing else matters.

Trust I seek and I find in you
every day for us something new
open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters...
never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
but I know.

So close no matter how far
couldn't be much more from the heart
forever trust in who we are
and nothing else matters...
never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
but I know.

I never opened myself this way
life is ours, we live it our way
all these words I don't just say
and nothing else matters...
trust I seek and I find in you
every day for us something new
open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters

Never cared for what they say
never cared for games they play
never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
and I know

So close no matter how far
couldn't be much more from the heart
forever trust in who we are
no, nothing else matters."

yeah well... what else do you want me to say?

Stupid v-day... stupid champagne... stupid... stupid. I don't even really like Metallica (see above lyrics) any more. Yet... here they are. Likely because they are playing on my mp3 right now. I'm really not as pitiful as this seems... I'm generally happy... except for some stuff... and that other stupid stuff... and maybe some different stuff.

I'm going to drink more... you should go read my earlier blog on Tribe (link is just to your right). I didn't feel like cross posting... it took away precious champagne drinking time. Obviously, I needed that.... *sigh*

11 February 2007


I just added some links under 'places I visit.' They should keep you people entertained between posts.

Mighty Girl is a blog I read a few times a month, Maggie Mason is smart and funny... and she just had a baby. Plus, I enjoyed her book.

Things My Boyfriend Says is just plain hilarious.

Daily Oliver... yes, its just a picture of a dog (or dogs). But, oh so cute... I've managed to fall in love with Oliver, and I'm guessing its because I don't have to buy his food or pick up his poop. The perfect pet.


09 February 2007

Zombie Love

I have known, since the beginning of time, that the most difficult part of raising a child was going to be the comedy. For years, I worked with children, I knew I was supposed to be professional, yet I laughed.... I knew that laughing was paying attention to a behavior, yet because of who I am, because of the sick sick humor that is within me, I laughed. And, while pregnant I cried, because I knew the biggest thing that would make me a "bad parent" would be my laughter, my sense of humor... my sick, wrong, evil sense of humor. Which, incidentally, is also one of my own favorite traits, but I've always known it would also be my downfall.

So, tonight, I let the "rock star" (aka: short bus, pookie, goof monkey, Skinny Cousin, etc.) stay up late. Its Friday night... why don't we both dance till we're tired, then he can go to bed, and mommy can (FINALLY) watch Saw III. Good deal. Only, its not working out that way. Apparently a 2 1/2 year old isn't capable of doing that kind of math. Even after I said to him..."stop being silly and go to sleep" (those of you who have spent the night with me, and have said the same thing to me, totally understand where I'm at) yeah, he just laughed at me and tried to steal my nose. Darn kids.

So, at 9.30 (an hour past his bedtime) I put him to bed, sit down next to him, put my head on his pillow, and the boy proceeds to eat my eyeballs. Seriously, pretends to pluck each one out, and go through the process of chewing (complete with squishy sound effects), then swallowing (complete with "gulp" and "ahhhh" sounds)... my eyeballs. Honestly, I've never taught him this... and I'm pretty sure he's never seen any zombie movies (I'm waiting till he's 5... then its tequila and zombies all night long). Oh no. He's come up with this on his own.... and I shit you not... it was the most hilarious thing I've ever seen.

So, if at two and a half, he's making b-movie sound effects, and eating my eyeballs... um... what exactly does his future look like? (not to mention mine)

When I was sixteen I thought it was hilarious... the idea of what future generations would do to torment their parents... how "those kids" would have their rebellion.... ya know.... not so much anymore. Tattoos... bah... piercings... nothing... whatever.... eating my eyeballs at two... uh... I didn't even think about eating eyeballs 'till my late teens.... I'm screwed.

08 February 2007

They're Coming to Take Me Away...HAHA!

In this age of little tiny, practically invisible cell phones, its becoming increasingly difficult to differentiate between someone talking on the phone, and some crazy dude standing on the corner talking to himself.

I was sitting at a stop light earlier, and noticed a guy standing on the corner. Nothing stood out, he was wearing black, looked clean enough... then I realized a couple of things: (a) its raining buckets, and he's only wearing a sweatshirt (and doesn't have the hood up), and (b) he's talking to himself. I sat there watching, trying to decide if he was having a conversation on the phone, or if he was really talking with himself, while he chatted away (complete with gestures) and paced in about a 12 inch area. Little steps to the side, forward and back... seemingly impatient for the light to change. Then a thought occurred.

The guy is apparently 'not quite right in the head', he's talking to himself, gesturing to himself, obviously agitated... why is he taking the time to wait for the light? Why is it that no matter how "crazy" a person seems to be, they always stand and wait for the green light? I have worked with kids who could look at a picture of someone crying, yet couldn't identify the emotion they saw in the picture, but the same kid would stop at the corner and wait for traffic before crossing the street.

Which brings me to an entirely different question. Why is it that we 'normal' or 'sane' people get to pick and choose who is actually hearing god, and who is just goofy in the head? How is it that a guy can wake up one morning, put on a suit, say he heard god speak to him, and we put him on TV? Yet, a different guy wakes up one morning, doesn't have the opportunity to shower or eat a decent meal, but goes out on the street, says "holy shit I heard god last night!" and we deem him insane.

Maybe its just me, but something seems wrong with this picture.

06 February 2007

How the "D" Word Made Me Smile

Earlier this evening I started feeling happy. Short Bus (who has recently informed me,"mommy, I am not a Short Bus, I'm a Rock Star.") and I were out 'grocery' shopping (fruit and booze, I'm sure the cashier was silently laughing at me), and this feeling of calm peacefulness came over me, suddenly I was smiling and laughing... and enjoying myself. And then, in my head, I hear The Muse's voice,"I feel a blog coming on." Seriously, if that voice becomes my conscious or my "inner voice," we're all in big trouble.

So, as a bunch of you have likely heard, or assumed based on my recent writings, divorce is in my immediate future. I have run the gamut of emotions, with stress and fear leading the pack. Knowing in my head, and with my intuition, this is the Right thing to do, part of me was having trouble reconciling the idea. That same part of me was having problems throwing comfort and security out the window, and starting over, from scratch, with another little person depending on me for exactly those things. The idea that this is a purely selfish act has weighed heavily upon me for a very long time.

Every day in the past month has been filled with emotion and drama, questions, comments, uncertainty, and a bit of confusion. I recently told someone that I feel like I'm walking on a fun house floor... only, its not really all that fun.

But tonight, I had one of those rare moments, sitting in the car waiting for the light to change. An epiphany moment if you will...

This sense of calm washed over me, and I suddenly felt that everything is working toward being "right." This is the way things are going to be, and it's okay. It is all going to be okay. For the first time in years, I'm not just hoping things are going to be okay, I'm not just wishing for things to be okay, I actually feel that things are really going to be ... better than just okay. Life will be good.

01 February 2007

Plus a change / Plus c'est la mme chose

I have been doing a lot of thinking about men and women lately, and, as far as differences go, one thing really seems to stand out for me (okay well, two things, but, one of them is too obvious to bother discussing). Change.

There are so many different points in a woman's life when her body, and her hormones (and thus her chemical makeup) change. Yes, boys and girls both go through puberty, and yes we both very obviously change during that time, and yes, I realize that over the years hormone levels fluctuate in both sexes.

But, women, we have to deal with monthly hormone changes, then if we get pregnant, not only do hormone levels shift in the beginning, but all throughout the gestation period. At the same time our minds are being forever altered, our bodies are permanently changing too. Then there is nursing, a whole different set of hormones are released, birth control alters them yet again, we hit a certain age and suddenly we hit our "sexual prime"... whether or not this 'actually' exists is debatable, but I think if you believe it does, you can cause the biological changes to occur.

Finally (hopefully that's the last one, I'll let you all know when I get there), we hit menopause. Suddenly all the hormones we've been learning to deal with throughout our lives disappear, and we change again.

Heraclitus said, "You could not step twice into the same river; for other waters are ever flowing on to you." This quote has always seemed to explain women in general. We are similar to the river, or possibly the ocean, ever flowing, ever changing, yet somehow still maintaining the same general form. I've always seen men as the tide pools which exist near by... similarly changing, yet containing a quiet universe within which changes much more subtly. The only problem I have with the analogy is that the relationship between women and men is much more symbiotic than that of ocean and tidal pool... and I honestly do believe men are much deeper than the tidal pool comparison. But, having spent so much time in this chaotic swirling mess of hormones, I seem to be at a loss when it comes to understanding men, and how they evolve over time.

Here's my question, can someone please tell me what it is men go through? Do men change as much as women throughout the years? Are we more similar than I think, or more different? I'm not looking for a better/worse who has it harder kind of debate here... I'm honestly asking for opinions and thoughts.