This evening was spent at my very best friend's house... we drank martinis, listened to music, made dinner together ... it was wonderful. She's been working on a project for her mom's 60th birthday party (shhhh its a surprise), a 'this is your life' style DVD slide show, and she wanted me to watch what she had so far.
It was beautiful. She really did a great job, the perfect song, the right number of pictures, really excellent. It took everything I had not to start crying when I noticed that over half the pictures were her mom and dad together.
What kind of slide show will my son put together when I turn 60?
One of the most difficult things about this divorce is the thought that I will now never celebrate a 50th wedding anniversary. I will never be one of 'those' couples... and I always assumed I would be. My parents are still married, soon to be ex-hubby's parents are still married, my best friend's parents are still married... although most everyone else I know has step-parents (and in some cases two or three times over), divorce is still something that seems odd to me. It has never really been a part of my world.
For as long as I've known this was coming, I always hoped something would change, something would make this relationship right, something would just click, and my marriage would be the relationship I've always expected. Now, it just seems odd that I could have lived for so long in my own head, imagined what I wanted, and made it my reality for so many years.
Honestly, I am happy with my decision. I know it is the right thing. I know it is the best thing for all of us. I know I can't change the past, and thus I do not dwell on the 'would have, could have, should have' part of my current situation. But, even though I have thought the word 'divorce' for years, and I started the process a month and a half ago... I was actually only able to say it out loud for the first time three (-ish) weeks ago. The concept is difficult, and at times, hard to accept.
I spent so many years painting a picture... appearing to be the ideal... modeling the "right" relationship. I was the 'perfect wife'... and by design. His friends and co-workers wanted me, their wives wanted to be my friend, his family loved me as their own. I was exactly who they all expected me to be. I acted so well, sometimes I even amazed myself. For so many years I was "The" wife. Now, there are many people who are shocked at what is happening, shocked that this could ever happen between "us." People who seem to think I'm going through a phase... people who think I've gone "crazy."
Really, I can't wait to get the chance to let them all know that I've finally gone "sane."
Sanity can be scary to those crazy folks.... good luck. You can always celebrate a 50th. 50th anniversary of the first time you got drunk, the first time you got laid, first time you gave a BJ, first time you ate raw meat.. there are hundreds of things to celebrate, why limit it to a marriage that didn't work? I really admire your strength. Thank you for allowing that to shine through in your writing. It's so wonderful.
You can celebrate a 50th anniversary of the day you took your life back, the day you liberated yourself from being held back and held down.
Who cares what other people think they're all fucked up too, they just never let anyone in so no one knows about it.
You are giving up a big party in 40 years... and gaining 40 years of hope love and happiness...
You are crazy in all the right places.
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