26 February 2007

Foiled Again

This was the blog that The Muse was talking about earlier... this is the one he didn't want me to write. But, he's asleep now... muahahaaa.

I wasn't going to do this. I had no plans to feel this way...I fought it with every breath today. But, just as "He" was getting home (don't worry, I'll come up with a snazzy internet name for the "almost ex" at some point...suggestions are totally welcome!), I lost it. Sitting here locked away in "our" (well, it used to be 'our' now its 'my') room... basically hiding. From what? Confrontation, emotion, discussion... anything that would be better left for the morning...or some other day...or anytime that isn't right this second. Some might even say I was hiding from reality. Maybe. Or, maybe I'm only taking exactly what I can deal with at the moment, and saving the rest for later.

A minute ago (literally) someone said something more caring, more honest, more real, than anything anyone has said to me in a very long time, and I lost it... went for a tissue, and fell to the floor, sobbing. Sat in the floor and cried ... every tear I've held back for for this particular moment, this event... every time I've tried to be strong..... and succeeded. These are the tears I am shedding now. (I tend to save them up for special occasions). This anniversary presents a good reason for me to cry. This moment, good timing.

As I type, the wonder of how amazing and caring and loving my friends can be hits me like a ton of feathers (more softly, and pleasantly than a ton of bricks). Not that its a new realization... just strong right now.

The power in words... well, once I climb into bed tonight ... I'll feel the thought behind some words that I've heard tonight, and I'll feel ... better... I'll fall asleep, and won't "cry myself to sleep"...and thanks for that (no really, thank you for changing my perspective tonight).

As I hear the heavy footsteps of my past trudge through the house, I realize, that even if the man I married (twelve years ago today) could see these tears on my cheeks, or hear the sobs in my heart... know the pain I am going through at exactly this moment, he wouldn't react in any way that would give me any consolation (I only know this because he has never reacted to my emotions before, except to sit and stare at me as if I were a creature from another planet).

Sometimes self-defense isn't necessary... you don't have to admit to doing anything wrong, or making any mistakes... just say, "I'm sorry I made you feel this way." Really, its not admitting guilt...its just saying... I never meant to hurt you, it was unintentional." And, ya know, if someone is crying, give them a hug... even if you are the source of the pain... hugs go a long way.

*this post is NOT a big 'ol "I'm sad, please love me post"... this is a, "thank you to the ones who care" and "hey stupid & socially inept, learn something" post... tomorrow will be better for me.

Now, I'm going to sleep with mental arms around me... I know they are there, and I think I appreciate them almost as much as I need them tonight. (yet, this may be one of the first times I've ever needed them more than I appreciate... I do know the need is more than I'd ever actually admit to. And, thanks for understanding that.)*

1 comment:

CamiKaos said...

sounds lke it was a log niht to get through... but I'm glad you made it... things are better from here... you rock.