Earlier this evening I started feeling happy. Short Bus (who has recently informed me,"mommy, I am not a Short Bus, I'm a Rock Star.") and I were out 'grocery' shopping (fruit and booze, I'm sure the cashier was silently laughing at me), and this feeling of calm peacefulness came over me, suddenly I was smiling and laughing... and enjoying myself. And then, in my head, I hear The Muse's voice,"I feel a blog coming on." Seriously, if that voice becomes my conscious or my "inner voice," we're all in big trouble.
So, as a bunch of you have likely heard, or assumed based on my recent writings, divorce is in my immediate future. I have run the gamut of emotions, with stress and fear leading the pack. Knowing in my head, and with my intuition, this is the Right thing to do, part of me was having trouble reconciling the idea. That same part of me was having problems throwing comfort and security out the window, and starting over, from scratch, with another little person depending on me for exactly those things. The idea that this is a purely selfish act has weighed heavily upon me for a very long time.
Every day in the past month has been filled with emotion and drama, questions, comments, uncertainty, and a bit of confusion. I recently told someone that I feel like I'm walking on a fun house floor... only, its not really all that fun.
But tonight, I had one of those rare moments, sitting in the car waiting for the light to change. An epiphany moment if you will...
This sense of calm washed over me, and I suddenly felt that everything is working toward being "right." This is the way things are going to be, and it's okay. It is all going to be okay. For the first time in years, I'm not just hoping things are going to be okay, I'm not just wishing for things to be okay, I actually feel that things are really going to be ... better than just okay. Life will be good.
they will be ok. just wait. you'll be happier and a better mom for it.
(((Gid))) I believe you have just made the biggest step of all in the moving on process. There may be a few more difficult times ahead but you will know in your heart that you will make it through and be an even stronger person for it..
Luv ya sweets.. And give small bus a big kiss and cuddle for me..
Eleanor Roosevelt said it best when she said:
You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
smiling is good. being okay is good. knowing that you have a good happy life ahead of you is wonderful!
getting to RIGHT and OK, can be rough, but it will be so worth it for you and the little one. I wish you the best of luck, hopefully without many tears.
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