So, The Muse says I'm not allowed to blog tonight. Who knew a Muse could be so annoying? sheeeeeesh.
One little pity party, then I'm done.
I actually had a couple of great blog ideas earlier. But, they've gone the way of all great ideas which don't get written down, then are soaked in wine. I'm sure they'll come back tomorrow. I'll let you know.
Today has been all about frustration (and to a certain extent fear). I suppose its hard to realize that sometimes pouring your heart and soul (and everything else that you are) into something doesn't necessarily mean its going to turn out the way you'd like. Not that I don't understand that. The concept in itself is fine. But, the failure hurts a little.
That one can spend nearly half their life working on some project... only to have it fail in the end, that is what is hard to accept. A "labor of love" if you will... in its truest sense. And yet, doomed from the beginning (if I'm being truly honest).
The second, third, fourth, fifth chance is overwhelming, and at a certain point you have to let it all go. Just .... let it go. Because those second and third chances were for "us", the fourth was for him, and the fifth... well, there is no good reason for that one...it was just because (or maybe for me, and I just won't admit it). I suppose that's who I am; Trusting, loving, idealistic, passionate, romantic.... maybe to a fault.
I refuse to become jaded and cynical. I love being all those things, and if that makes me an ass, if that leaves me with some heartache, if that is the part of me that makes other people feel sorry for me (or jealous of me).... so be it. I'm ok with that. Those are the pieces that I will carry out of this, with my head held high. Next year, I'll celebrate this same anniversary with a glass of champagne, and all those pieces in tact. This is me. I will not apologize. I will not see the pieces of me that I love die.
Stuck in my head right now: Incubus - Drive
"Sometimes, I feel the fear of,
uncertainty stinging clear.
And I can't help but ask
myself how much I'll let the fear
take the wheel and steer.
It's driven me before, and it seems to have a faint,
haunting mass appeal.
But lately I, am beginning to find that I,
should be the one behind the wheel."