25 January 2025

 On the eve of my 50th birthday I have so many thoughts. Tomorrow will be anticlimactic, and that's okay. I don't know what I want or what I expect.

I know there will be amazing food and glorious champagne. The best company - my CSB. My dad dropped off a card today, so there's that. He was too busy to hang out for a few minuets. I get it. Life is that way. I'll get a text from my brother & sister in law and some Facebook messages. And, that will make me happy.

My parents had birthdays within a couple of months of one another, so the year they turned 50, I selected a date in between their birthdays and threw a surprise party. I invited their friends and friends of mine and my brothers who have known them for years. We had pop up tents and tables all over the back yard a margarita machine, and tons of food. It was a thing, and it was glorious. When I look at the pictures all these years later, I am still in awe of the amazing party I was able to pull off. My parents were surprised. They had a great time, and so did everyone else. 

Is that what I want? I don't know. I think it would have been kind of fun to have a barbecue at my dad's house with friends I haven't seen in years. Something planned by someone else. Someone to put that effort in. I would really like to be the passenger princess for once. 

Would I change anything about my life right now? No. Did I ask for anyone to plan a party for me? No. Do I like surprises? Absolutely fucking not. Do the people closest to me know that? Yes. Would I have liked to have a celebration for my 50th birthday? For sure. 

I don't know how I feel. I miss my kiddo, I miss being surrounded by friends, I miss having a cohesive family unit. But, I love my current situation, my life, and my humans. So, yes, I'm okay and I go into my 50th year of life happy.

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