Accountability

So, I'm sitting outside with a glass of wine, after a bitch of a week, and I'm thinking about relationships (in the romantic sense). Past and present. Mine and others. And, it occurs to me that although I'm perfectly willing to accept part of the responsibility for my marriage not working, I've never really sat down and thought specifically about what parts of the not working I'm actually responsible for. What things did I do, or not do, what is MY part of the lesson? What is it that I need to be accountable for, that I need to learn?

So, now I'm thinking...

The first thing which occurred to me was communication. I am definitely guilty of poor communication. This is actually something I've known about myself for a long time, and have been trying to work on for years. In the last several months, I've learned how to communicate my thoughts more clearly, although I still have trouble asking for help, and asking for what I need from people.

Next, I think I need to work on passive aggressive reactions. I was chatting with The Muse earlier tonight, and recognized that what I was identifying in someone else as passive aggressive behavior, was very similar to reactions I've had in the past. And, I know I've gotten better at expressing my feelings, but I also know I still tend to let things that bother me go by without commenting. Then, later, I find myself making snide passive-aggressive comments, without actually addressing the issue at hand. I would like to be able to say I haven't done this with anyone but 'the ex', but, I've found I still tend to do it, only much more subtly.

There are too many times I don't think I have a right to whatever feeling or emotion I'm having, so I don't say anything. I think maybe I'm over reacting, or confused about my emotions, or that I ought to "think about it before I react" so I keep quiet. By the time I've figured out how I feel, my chance to comment has passed, and I feel like its too late, so I don't share my feelings. Maybe this is just another communication problem after all. Again, its something I've been working on for a long time, and although I've gotten better, I still have issues.

I can't help but feel like there's more to all of this. I'm going to have to continue to think about it.