If last night was (in part) about loneliness, tonight is about solitude.
A child that fell asleep early on the couch, a perfectly cooked, timed, and delicious meal, and now the house is clean, the radio and TV are off, and I have realized... it is beautifully, wonderfully, gloriously peaceful.
I close my eyes, my body relaxes, I hear the sound of the rain, a bit of distant thunder, and quiet. No dogs barking, no cars, no sirens, no trains, no one forcing me to pay attention to them. For this brief moment, right here, right now... all is at peace.
The break-down last night was exactly what I needed. A release of powerful emotion to rejuvenate my spirit. I know it sounds cliche, but it was cleansing, and absolutely freed up some resources in my mind to now move on to other things. Now that I have attended to those things, they don't seem quite as scary... they don't seem much of anything... they just "are." And, I am completely at ease with just allowing them to be, for now.
27 February 2007
26 February 2007
Foiled Again
This was the blog that The Muse was talking about earlier... this is the one he didn't want me to write. But, he's asleep now... muahahaaa.
I wasn't going to do this. I had no plans to feel this way...I fought it with every breath today. But, just as "He" was getting home (don't worry, I'll come up with a snazzy internet name for the "almost ex" at some point...suggestions are totally welcome!), I lost it. Sitting here locked away in "our" (well, it used to be 'our' now its 'my') room... basically hiding. From what? Confrontation, emotion, discussion... anything that would be better left for the morning...or some other day...or anytime that isn't right this second. Some might even say I was hiding from reality. Maybe. Or, maybe I'm only taking exactly what I can deal with at the moment, and saving the rest for later.
A minute ago (literally) someone said something more caring, more honest, more real, than anything anyone has said to me in a very long time, and I lost it... went for a tissue, and fell to the floor, sobbing. Sat in the floor and cried ... every tear I've held back for for this particular moment, this event... every time I've tried to be strong..... and succeeded. These are the tears I am shedding now. (I tend to save them up for special occasions). This anniversary presents a good reason for me to cry. This moment, good timing.
As I type, the wonder of how amazing and caring and loving my friends can be hits me like a ton of feathers (more softly, and pleasantly than a ton of bricks). Not that its a new realization... just strong right now.
The power in words... well, once I climb into bed tonight ... I'll feel the thought behind some words that I've heard tonight, and I'll feel ... better... I'll fall asleep, and won't "cry myself to sleep"...and thanks for that (no really, thank you for changing my perspective tonight).
As I hear the heavy footsteps of my past trudge through the house, I realize, that even if the man I married (twelve years ago today) could see these tears on my cheeks, or hear the sobs in my heart... know the pain I am going through at exactly this moment, he wouldn't react in any way that would give me any consolation (I only know this because he has never reacted to my emotions before, except to sit and stare at me as if I were a creature from another planet).
Sometimes self-defense isn't necessary... you don't have to admit to doing anything wrong, or making any mistakes... just say, "I'm sorry I made you feel this way." Really, its not admitting guilt...its just saying... I never meant to hurt you, it was unintentional." And, ya know, if someone is crying, give them a hug... even if you are the source of the pain... hugs go a long way.
*this post is NOT a big 'ol "I'm sad, please love me post"... this is a, "thank you to the ones who care" and "hey stupid & socially inept, learn something" post... tomorrow will be better for me.
Now, I'm going to sleep with mental arms around me... I know they are there, and I think I appreciate them almost as much as I need them tonight. (yet, this may be one of the first times I've ever needed them more than I appreciate... I do know the need is more than I'd ever actually admit to. And, thanks for understanding that.)*
I wasn't going to do this. I had no plans to feel this way...I fought it with every breath today. But, just as "He" was getting home (don't worry, I'll come up with a snazzy internet name for the "almost ex" at some point...suggestions are totally welcome!), I lost it. Sitting here locked away in "our" (well, it used to be 'our' now its 'my') room... basically hiding. From what? Confrontation, emotion, discussion... anything that would be better left for the morning...or some other day...or anytime that isn't right this second. Some might even say I was hiding from reality. Maybe. Or, maybe I'm only taking exactly what I can deal with at the moment, and saving the rest for later.
A minute ago (literally) someone said something more caring, more honest, more real, than anything anyone has said to me in a very long time, and I lost it... went for a tissue, and fell to the floor, sobbing. Sat in the floor and cried ... every tear I've held back for for this particular moment, this event... every time I've tried to be strong..... and succeeded. These are the tears I am shedding now. (I tend to save them up for special occasions). This anniversary presents a good reason for me to cry. This moment, good timing.
As I type, the wonder of how amazing and caring and loving my friends can be hits me like a ton of feathers (more softly, and pleasantly than a ton of bricks). Not that its a new realization... just strong right now.
The power in words... well, once I climb into bed tonight ... I'll feel the thought behind some words that I've heard tonight, and I'll feel ... better... I'll fall asleep, and won't "cry myself to sleep"...and thanks for that (no really, thank you for changing my perspective tonight).
As I hear the heavy footsteps of my past trudge through the house, I realize, that even if the man I married (twelve years ago today) could see these tears on my cheeks, or hear the sobs in my heart... know the pain I am going through at exactly this moment, he wouldn't react in any way that would give me any consolation (I only know this because he has never reacted to my emotions before, except to sit and stare at me as if I were a creature from another planet).
Sometimes self-defense isn't necessary... you don't have to admit to doing anything wrong, or making any mistakes... just say, "I'm sorry I made you feel this way." Really, its not admitting guilt...its just saying... I never meant to hurt you, it was unintentional." And, ya know, if someone is crying, give them a hug... even if you are the source of the pain... hugs go a long way.
*this post is NOT a big 'ol "I'm sad, please love me post"... this is a, "thank you to the ones who care" and "hey stupid & socially inept, learn something" post... tomorrow will be better for me.
Now, I'm going to sleep with mental arms around me... I know they are there, and I think I appreciate them almost as much as I need them tonight. (yet, this may be one of the first times I've ever needed them more than I appreciate... I do know the need is more than I'd ever actually admit to. And, thanks for understanding that.)*
The "Anniversary" Blog
So, The Muse says I'm not allowed to blog tonight. Who knew a Muse could be so annoying? sheeeeeesh.
One little pity party, then I'm done.
I actually had a couple of great blog ideas earlier. But, they've gone the way of all great ideas which don't get written down, then are soaked in wine. I'm sure they'll come back tomorrow. I'll let you know.
Today has been all about frustration (and to a certain extent fear). I suppose its hard to realize that sometimes pouring your heart and soul (and everything else that you are) into something doesn't necessarily mean its going to turn out the way you'd like. Not that I don't understand that. The concept in itself is fine. But, the failure hurts a little.
That one can spend nearly half their life working on some project... only to have it fail in the end, that is what is hard to accept. A "labor of love" if you will... in its truest sense. And yet, doomed from the beginning (if I'm being truly honest).
The second, third, fourth, fifth chance is overwhelming, and at a certain point you have to let it all go. Just .... let it go. Because those second and third chances were for "us", the fourth was for him, and the fifth... well, there is no good reason for that one...it was just because (or maybe for me, and I just won't admit it). I suppose that's who I am; Trusting, loving, idealistic, passionate, romantic.... maybe to a fault.
I refuse to become jaded and cynical. I love being all those things, and if that makes me an ass, if that leaves me with some heartache, if that is the part of me that makes other people feel sorry for me (or jealous of me).... so be it. I'm ok with that. Those are the pieces that I will carry out of this, with my head held high. Next year, I'll celebrate this same anniversary with a glass of champagne, and all those pieces in tact. This is me. I will not apologize. I will not see the pieces of me that I love die.
Stuck in my head right now: Incubus - Drive
"Sometimes, I feel the fear of,
uncertainty stinging clear.
And I can't help but ask
myself how much I'll let the fear
take the wheel and steer.
It's driven me before, and it seems to have a faint,
haunting mass appeal.
But lately I, am beginning to find that I,
should be the one behind the wheel."
One little pity party, then I'm done.
I actually had a couple of great blog ideas earlier. But, they've gone the way of all great ideas which don't get written down, then are soaked in wine. I'm sure they'll come back tomorrow. I'll let you know.
Today has been all about frustration (and to a certain extent fear). I suppose its hard to realize that sometimes pouring your heart and soul (and everything else that you are) into something doesn't necessarily mean its going to turn out the way you'd like. Not that I don't understand that. The concept in itself is fine. But, the failure hurts a little.
That one can spend nearly half their life working on some project... only to have it fail in the end, that is what is hard to accept. A "labor of love" if you will... in its truest sense. And yet, doomed from the beginning (if I'm being truly honest).
The second, third, fourth, fifth chance is overwhelming, and at a certain point you have to let it all go. Just .... let it go. Because those second and third chances were for "us", the fourth was for him, and the fifth... well, there is no good reason for that one...it was just because (or maybe for me, and I just won't admit it). I suppose that's who I am; Trusting, loving, idealistic, passionate, romantic.... maybe to a fault.
I refuse to become jaded and cynical. I love being all those things, and if that makes me an ass, if that leaves me with some heartache, if that is the part of me that makes other people feel sorry for me (or jealous of me).... so be it. I'm ok with that. Those are the pieces that I will carry out of this, with my head held high. Next year, I'll celebrate this same anniversary with a glass of champagne, and all those pieces in tact. This is me. I will not apologize. I will not see the pieces of me that I love die.
Stuck in my head right now: Incubus - Drive
"Sometimes, I feel the fear of,
uncertainty stinging clear.
And I can't help but ask
myself how much I'll let the fear
take the wheel and steer.
It's driven me before, and it seems to have a faint,
haunting mass appeal.
But lately I, am beginning to find that I,
should be the one behind the wheel."
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