Tonight's Champagne....

...brought to you by the letter "D" and the number 19.

Tuesday afternoon after work, I had a voice mail from my attorney. Simply, "call us when you get a chance"... I've been a bit busy, so I figured I'd call Wednesday. As Wednesday came and went, I totally forgot. Today, I glance down at my calendar, and see the number sitting there, so I called during my second period break.

Her (paralegal): "did you get it yet?"
Me: "I haven't received any mail from you..."
Her: "oh.. well the final judgement is in the mail, you should get it today or tomorrow."
Me: "well, thank you, but that is somewhat anticlimactic."
Her: "usually people are really excited."
Me: "don't get me wrong, it's just that I was expecting champagne & confetti."

Once I got off the phone I cried some tears of relief... after a year an a half (at least the legal part...), it is finally at an end. I am finally, "officially" divorced. And really, it's funny, as I sat there getting rid of a bit of emotional congestion, I thought, "nothing is technically different than it was yesterday... I don't plan to get married right now, so what does all this actually mean?"

It means I am finally, technically "free." One of the biggest differences between my life right now, and my life two years ago is that NOW I have someone I want to share things with. Someone I WANT to share everything with... then... it was someone I HAD to explain myself to.

I was driving to faire opening weekend, and thinking (as one will do during a 2 1/2 to 3 hour drive), and realized: it is so nice to be driving toward something wonderful, versus driving away from something I want to escape. I've always loved faire, and I've always seen it as coming "home" after a year away... yet, it has always been an escape for me. Not anymore. Faire is a destination, it is driving TO a person and a place I love, versus AWAY from a life I hate.

A lot of you said, "I've seen the married Giddy at faire, I'm fully afraid of the Single Giddy at faire." I knew... from the first time I heard that sentiment, that you were wrong. Who you see now, is much closer to who I am... the person who is real inside of me. The Giddy I was before... well, she was the one avoiding and escaping reality, and she was a character. I'm still me, I'm still fun, I'm oh so much happier than I ever have been... I'm also more true to reality.

Come by Stromboli/Toad this weekend (I'm not on the counter this year, I'm in the kitchen, but ask for me), I'm bringing a bunch of champagne, I want to do a toast with each and every one of you. It's celebration champagne... meet Giddy... she has a boyfriend she loves dearly (and who is getting to toast with the "special" champagne), she wants you to meet a person who isn't uncomfortable with life anymore. Come meet someone who is fully happy with herself, and is well on the way to being the person I always knew was inside.

Here is to being happy with who you are,
comfortable in your own skin,
and finding others who love you for who you are...
no matter how goofy the person you are may be.
Cheers.

Chances Are What You Make of Them

I suppose it's nice not being the "last stop" in some kid's life. Knowing that they get another chance if, for some reason they get thrown out of my school, should make it easier somehow. But, when you lose two of the "good ones" in one day, it's tough.

One is fairly quiet and unassuming (in the classroom). He has a speech impediment, and because of it tends to be somewhat introverted. He is looking at expulsion for his second fight in three weeks, he's done at a regular public high school (at least for this school year). Ninth grade, and headed to continuation high school... yes, the system has failed him. In fact, most of the kids I work with have been failed in one way or another.

The other, also not a kid that would stand out in a crowd. He is intelligent when he does come to class (in my Biology class even), and seems to know his shit. But, in the last 20 days that he's been enrolled in my class, has been absent 15 times, he hasn't even been in class enough for me to give him an actual grade. He seems to be a good kid, will talk with me one on one, seems to be pretty honest about his troubled past, but said he wants to do better. The email I got today said that he is withdrawing from my high school because he's in juvenile hall.

I sat down with one of my students today and said, "do you plan on coming back after your birthday in November?"

He said, "Of course I do, just because I'm 18 doesn't mean I don't want to graduate."

So, I said to him, in these words, "then what the hell are you doing? You come to my classes every day, and do nothing... you are wasting your time. You are here, you might as well do some work and pass so you can actually graduate. Seriously, you are wasting your time and you are distracting your classmates from passing this class."

I give these kids every chance, and yet, some of them seem to just choose to fail. But, if you ask them, they will tell you they don't want to fail. Yet, they don't bother to even try... I ask you... what do you do for a 16 year old who won't bother to do anything for themselves? What do I do with a kid who wants to learn, but says the work is too difficult, and he sits at his desk crying telling me he doesn't understand? But, when I tell him I need him to try his best, so I can see exactly what it is he isn't getting (math), he just sits there refusing to do anything... I can't help someone who isn't willing to participate.

It is insanely frustrating. Sometimes I think it was easier when they wanted to kill me and I could just pin them to the ground until they calmed down. I really think there was something about that physical contact.. that dominance.. that made a kid respect you a little more.

It's amazing how many times a day a student will ask me a question, I will answer, and they will say, "no..." and contradict me. Its amazing how many times a day I either want to slap someone or bang my head on the wall. And, really it's not about "stupid" it's about rude and disrespectful. So many of these kids are so far out of line, I can't believe they've lasted this long. How have adults allowed them to behave this way for so many years?

Teh ShortBus is more well behaved at four than most of these kids are at 15-17. His teacher told me today that he is "a gentleman." Damn straight... that's my boy. In 20 years from now his wife will be thanking me for raising such a wonderful person.

I've been a wife, I know how important good manners are. I've been a girlfriend, I know that there are times I want to call CSB's mom and say, "hey, thank you for raising such an aware, intelligent, generous, kind, and chivalrous person. I really appreciate that effort."

Yes, part of it is inherent in the person, and the genetic code... but so much of it is in how you are raised. So much depends on what happens around you in those formative years.

I'm trying so hard not to take any of it to heart. But, dammit, I care. Isn't that the point?

Time Flies...

I can't believe a month has gone by with no blog posts from me.

Makes me kinda sad.

I've been talking about writing for weeks. I've written bits and pieces here and there in my notebooks and journals, but nothing that has found its way to the interwebs. I just haven't had the time or energy.

I am literally burning the candle on three ends (somehow), and really, the wax is melting away pretty quickly.

The job is perfect. Hectic, demanding, chaotic, insane, and stressful. Exactly what I've always wanted. I'm enjoying it very much. I really do have a lot more to say about it, but you'll have to wait.

Faire has been fun. It's always nice to be out there surrounded by good friends, and lots of love. The attention whore that I am loves it.

Between those two things, and trying to manage time with The ShortBus, and time for myself (haha)... not to mention trying to keep at least my little corner of the house somewhat clean, and the laundry done... well yeah, my little candle has a lot of burning wicks. My emotional state seems to be melting quickly, and I can't wait to catch up with sleep and quiet time so I can regain some sense of stability.

I don't typically get PMS, but make up for it for six to eight weeks a year during faire. *snicker*

If I haven't seen you in person, I probably haven't even spoken with you in over a month. For that I am sorry. I do miss many people right now, and can't wait to catch up in about four weeks (three weekends of faire, and one weekend of napping). I do realize how difficult it has been to get a hold of me, and that I've even been bad at answering email, and all I can say is... I can't wait to talk with you in a few weeks.